Tainted Love

Sometimes I can't sleep at night because my mind races. Tonight my mind is running a familiar track full of what if's and paralyzing fears. The bible says that perfect love casts out all fear. That would be helpful if I understood what perfect love is. Sadly, tonight I realized that I have no concept of perfect love. Its one of those ideas that fits in the same category as 'eternal life' and 'three-in-one'. My braid hears the words and doesn't even attempt to unpack it...

My tainted idea of love has been:

I need you. I need you to need me because I need you. I will give up everything for you to show you that I should be valued. Whichever way you choose to respond to me gives me a clear understanding of where my value lies. I measure my worth by your attitude towards me after I have served you.

I have lived my whole life out of that love theology. I have compromised myself in relationships and even work situations trying to earn value. It is exhausting and I have rarely gotten the results I hoped for.

I am exposing this mindset because I want it to change. It is a poison that effects not only the way I receive love, but the way I give it as well. I don't want my love for other people to come with a price. I have a build up of I.O.U's from people that they don't even know exist. Tainted love is like a dark seed that yields bitterness and false humility. Its a disease and I have been so sick from it.

I think that perfect love looks similar to what I do...but perhaps the motivation is different. Maybe the problem is the expectation involved with selfish loving. Love should involve sacrifice...but maybe when you are operating in perfect love it is so selfless that you don't even notice.

I know that the root of all this is finding identity in God. He is the only one who can love me perfectly. Problem is, I have applied my love theology to Him, and I don't know how to break it. I feel like I owe Him something (and technically I do...I owe Him everything). How can I sit there and allow Him to love me if I am not prepared to give up something? The more I give up for Him, the more complicated things seem to get....It makes my relationship with God seem more like a business deal than anything else. The worst is when I don't feel like I have anything I can give...those are the darkest times because I refuse to let God love me through them.

I don't have any conclusions. I still don't know what perfect love looks like, and I sure don't know how to receive it. Like I said already, I just wanted to expose my tainted love theology so that I can move away from its toxic touch in my life.

Drama makes the world go round...

I should be cleaning right now. I have masses of laundry to fold and switch and jump around in. I just felt compelled to check facebook, which led me to this...blogging. Its been a while. I don't really know what to talk about. I guess there are plenty of things I could go into...like...for instance...the weather. But why talk about things that will only lead to tears and pillow hitting. I would much rather talk about something pleasant or romantic or insightful in some way. Nothing is coming to mind. Well, some things are coming to me...but they all support the 'female fantasy land' that I just can't be bothered to promote. Umm. Yeah, I am probably confusing you...because I am certainly confusing myself.

I should only ever blog when I have something valuable to say. I am wasting your time and my own. I will go on, however, because I love writing. I feel like Harriet the Spy. I liked that movie. And this is already on the internet, so it is not like I will face the same adversities that Harriet did...I have no secrets to be revealed (not ones that I would reveal in writing anyway). 

Today David came over. We watched a movie and then I made us dinner. After that, Joanna and Collin popped over for a visit. We played Dutch Blitz. It was pretty fantastic. I may have won a couple rounds. Boy oh boy, is it ever hard not to get SUPER competitive when playing a game like that. 

I had a ginger tea. It was nice. 

Sigh...I really don't have much to say at all. It is weird. I always have something to say. 

Becoming Jane was a depressing movie. I am quite satisfied not living in an era where passionate women are frowned upon. If I don't get married ever in my life...I will die. 

I WILL die. it is part of life. But I will die really sad if I don't experience mutual human love first. (that sounds weird, but we must embrace honesty...). I might not die super sad if my death were really sudden...then i might not think about it at all. I imagine my friends would though. They would think 'poor poor Bethany. she never did experience mutual human love.'...as they look at my sad face in the coffin. 

I am morbid. And I am changing the subject. 

first I will pray,

Lord, I am sorry for any word curses or bitter root expectations that I have written here. I break them off and pray a blessing over my future and my destiny. 

amen. I love you lord.

Bethany.

There...

My parents taught me to not hide my mistakes...but to flaunt them before others...that they might learn from me. Aren't I humble for exposing my sin?!

Anyway, I suppose I should go now. 

I hope wherever you are, you are happy. 

i love you and i probably miss you.

What you sow, so shall you reap...

I decided many years ago that I would never give in to winters manipulations. A couple years ago, I went as far as wearing flip flops for the entire season. I think my ways need some changing. This is the first year that I have been forced onto the bus...which means lengths of time standing outside. I must admit, there were many times that I decided not to wear boots (the boots that I don't own) or a jacket and regretted it...deeply. Now, it is nearly the end of the season, and I have had a cold for two weeks straight. I guess I deserve it, and I am not asking sympathy from anyone. I tried praying for the Lord to make me better, and I feel as though he laughed in response. Were I a child, begging my mom for some aide in my woes, she would have laughed too. Sigh...

I just long, with everything in my being, for spring. I miss walking. I miss the waterfront. I miss flowers and green leaves. Soon, Bethany, soon. I am angry at snow. We are not talking. 

I got a job at First Choice. Don't get jealous. I really like it. At least I know that I am good at what I do. My poor fingers are all chopped up because of it. You should see them...

I have been really outrageously blessed this week. From Saturday to Friday...everyday something surprisingly spectacular happened showing me that I am taken care of. I have done nothing to deserve it...It is kind of like when a husband and wife fall into routine...I feel like I am being woed back into love. Its nice...not gonna lie.

Well, I need to go write a song.

Peace.

a babble here, a babble there...

It has been an interesting day to say the very least.

I did not go to school. I know, I know...I should have. I have skipped way too much school for my own good. I just find myself having less and less motivation to go. 

Here is what I think is going on under the surface. I am 'alone time' starving. I need...I crave...alone time. I spend 8 hours of my day surrounded by so much crap that I am battling (consciously or unconsciously) the entire time. After that, I go home and stay up until midnight with people...lots of people. I love it, don't get me wrong...there is a massive extroverted part of me.

What lots of people don't realize is that there is a part of me that wants to be alone with some music and a cup of tea and a clean atmosphere to think and contemplate and do nothing in particular. I LONG for quiet...rest...

So, some days I don't go to school so I can be alone for a little while. It is the worse excuse. I know that I need to honour my commitments and blah blah blah...

HAHA....my attitude about it sucks. I am trying to convince you, and me, that I am somehow justified in my irresponsibility... 

ON A MORE SPIRITUAL NOTE:

Currently listening to a Podcast 

Bill Johnson:

a paraphrase of his thoughts on Acts 10:38....

I have NO interest in dabbling with the prophetic. In dabbling in the Kingdom. 

I am driven by a standard that to my knowledge has never been duplicated...

the standard is: He healed ALL who came to Him. It is the only acceptable standard.

When Gods presence is with you, you are obligated to conquer something. 

WOW!!

Alright...now...another note...

My roommate just went through every baked good at Second Cup and touched it with a pen. Thanks to her dozens of people will probably be ill due to ink poisoning. 

She made a really really good drink for me though...so I am not suggesting she be fired....

And another note....

I am simply trying to waste time here by babbling about whatever comes to mind. 

I have been thinking about my dreams in life lots and lots recently...because I don't have many outside of a marriage...

Here is what I came up with (including some inspired ideas from the Lord through other people):

~Will work as a inner healing counselor

~Will work with children that are not my own

~Will live in another country for some period of my life...probably the US and the UK

~Will speak at conferences

~Will be a seasoned singer/songwriter

~Will understand depths of the fathers heart that most people will never begin to fathom

~Will challenge and change the hearts of hundreds

~and I guess....I will have my hairdressing license. And will use it from time to time...

Well, that is what I came up with. 

I am drinking a pumpkin spice latte. It has coffee in it. bleehhh. Oh well. It is still okay. I just can't stand anything coffee right now. I have to have a craving for it, and right now I don't. 

I am going to leave now. I am bored now...it is time to go. I need to pay attention to this message...

BILL JUST SAID:

"How much does it take to push you in regards to thing you are hoping for. At what point do we say thank-you? What was small becomes great in the atmosphere of thankfulness. It helps to feed off of what God is doing instead of what He hasn't done. eg. Jesus and the loaves and the fishes."

Goal in life: find single young man like Bill and live with him for the rest of my life.

If the Lord wills it.

GOING NOW! 

As promised...

I promised I would write about how much I hate the look of LED lights this year. Everything looks blue and orange.

I just wish things looked a little more red and green. Is that putting Christmas in a box?!

Oh well.

It has been stated, officially, I HATE the lights this year.

So glad they are coming down.

except the purple ones. I do like them.

LAST POST of 2007. Read it if you dare...

I am determined to write something profound here in the next fifteen minutes.

I have this sparking urge to be creative...like some carbonated beverage about to explode.

Lets see...

Hmm...

Well, we can start with New Years. Thinking about the new year forces me to put my current life into perspective; likes and dislikes are magnified and all of a sudden every second I wasted in the past year comes flooding back with the force of weeks. It is so hard not to burry myself with regrets; thinking of things I could have done differently. It seems I spent 2007 going through constant change in every way. I am better for it. 

I remember my biggest lesson of 2006 was to be happy with who I am in the present; to not be so focused on the future me. I was so distracted by looking forward that I missed everything going on around me. I couldn't accept myself, because I was too aware of what I could be...and wasn't. I started off 2007 with the revelation that I had value in every moment. I started off loving myself, and daring to dream for the next day. 

I would probably say that my most cherished lesson for 2007 is that I am worth a chase. My heart was wooed consistently...I walked under a cloud that showered treasure after treasure. I can remember feeling as though the dozens of little locked up boxes that were inside of me had been opened. A thick sheet had lifted, and I was suddenly aware of the way I contributed to the Kingdom. Come to think of it, that is what 2007 was. It was a revelation of my royalty and the beginnings of my knowledge of responsibility.

2008 will likely be the most intense year I have yet faced. I will learn a lot through trial and error. I have a feeling I will be exploring some new ground...stumbling my way through it.  At the same time, I know it will be my favourite year so far! I'll be spending lots and lots of time with someone I love very much. He is going to help me through it. 

So..New Years Resolutions?? I guess mine are:

-to remember my worth as I go on to face bigger challenges.

-to pay better attention/stay focused

-take care of myself so I can take care of others

-challenge sin and be soft to correction

On a slightly different tune...

Here are some things I have been thinking about recently.

I was spending some time with God last week and He showed me a picture...it went like this:

I was sitting in a room with a box. The box had parts inside it like a giant 3D puzzle...and on the outside was a blurry picture of what it was meant to look like put together. I emptied the box and tried putting the parts together. I came up with several possibilities of what it was supposed to be. Each time it looked great, I was just not satisfied. I began to get frustrated...smashing it to pieces when I finished.

God said "Bethany, if you would just invite me in the room...I invented that toy. Its not meant to be work for you. It was meant to be a game for us..." 

I looked at the box, and noticed a sign "for 2 players"

He continued, "You are a smart and capable girl. You can make something out of nothing. I know you so well, better than you would like. You want to figure it out on your own, but you will not find joy in that. You find your joy in me and only me. I made you that way. I made the game to work that way. Bethany, I want to play with you. Stop working so hard to impress me. I crave quality time. That is the point."

So, needless to say...I want to stop working.

In God's grace, He showed me that I have been slaving away to impress Him...leaving Him out of the journey. I realized pretty quickly (thank the Lord) that I was walking down a long, tiring and ultimately unsatisfying road that would lead to lots of painful character development...and little else. I turned back, and I am doing my best to walk down the foggier, windier, and honestly...scarier...road, abandoned to selfish ambition. I am always up for an adventure...and this one promises to be more fun...and full of cuddles. I like it. 

And last, but not least...Romans 12 is blowing my mind. 

Thank-you for stopping bye. Come again some time...

bring tea...

it helps the read. 

A Parable...I guess...

Many years ago, there was a war. In most wars there are two sides and each side fights with passion and courage. They fight for a cause. In this war, the lines seemed to be quite blurry. The soldiers were quiet in hiding, blending in with their surroundings. 

Very suddenly a King would come to inspire his army to fight. He brought them through training, and led them into victory after victory. The King would threaten the enemy with a shaking that would change the course of the war forever. Eventually, the King would leave on other business; he would one day return. Before He left, he made a promise to his army. "Fight. Fight hard. If you do this in my name, you will win every time!"

Years passed, and the war went on. The soldiers grew tired, forgetting the battle they were in. They began to get restless and started fighting each other, wounding each others arms and legs. Some went back into hiding, not knowing that the enemy knew of their whereabouts at all times.

When the King received news of what his army was going through, he sent a doctor with a message. The doctor came and was available to anyone who asked for his help. Only a few soldiers trusted the doctor enough with their wounds, and they were brought back to full health. The doctor warned these few that the King would soon return, and he would expect his army to be ready. 

Some soldiers went back to warn the others, urging them to come out and fight. Others would go to the town and try to recruit more. There was a small handful that would go out and stand on the front line, holding on to the promise of the King. 

Time is short.

The front lines are bare.

I will fight.