about coffee...

I just drank a coffee. I don't like coffee, so I can't tell if it was a good one. Some people have really strong opinions about how their coffee should taste. I don't understand them...it's all the same bean. I mean, a couple weeks ago I drank a coffee and thought it was totally gross (because I don't like coffee). Other times, coffee is a little easier to down. The coffee I just drank has left a taste on my tongue similar to the flavour of licking the chunks from the inside of a carton of milk that expired weeks ago. I need a piece of gum...I also need to brush my teeth to avoid the stain that coffee tends to leave. I don't understand what the draw to coffee is in the first place. I don't feel more alert...I just feel...like I need something minty. There is simply no payoff.

So why do I drink coffee if I dislike it so? Well, that's easy...I am a coffee drinking poser. Think of all the small talk that I would miss out on..."I need a coffee", "Man, this is one good cup of coffee", "This coffee is total shit", and my personal favourite, "I'll have a double double". Sigh...coffee.

Alright, for all you 'coffee-poser' haters, save your scorn for the devil. I know you all like it. I don't need you to write comments about how stupid my taste-buds must be for not recognizing how much better Tim Hortons coffee is than...(brain fart: Where else do peope get coffee that doesn't taste as good as Tim Hortons??) (PLEASE...don't answer that question).

I don't like coffee. I don't understand coffee. But I can't beat coffee. So...I shall try my darndest to join it?!

I need a coffee!

Am I blind, or is it just dark outside?

I have been thinking a lot about my last post. I wrote that when I was standing on a large hill, everything looked really clear. It's funny how that happens. You get to a point on your journey where everything makes sense; where you feel like everything you have been through up to that point was worth it, because it led you there. You can see so much beauty that lies ahead. Standing on a mountain makes those dark valleys look so small. The thick of mangled trees that will eventually threaten your view of the sunset seem to blend in with the horizon. It's funny how that happens, isn't it? How the dark makes light so awe-inspiring.

I think the mountains we come across are the purest form of God's grace. We struggle for so long, and finally we get to a point where he shows us what it is we are walking towards. He brings us just high enough to see His view of our lives. Then slowly, we make our way back down towards the forest. I kind of like it there. It's scary, yes, but each time I face a new predator (each one bigger than the last), and I discover that I am capable of beating it to a pulp. Were there trophies for all my victories, my living room would look like some sort of creepy hunter's lodge. Don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of scars as well.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the forest is the reality I am facing now. It was amazing to be on the mountain, and have a glimpse of what I am walking towards, but I can't see that picture so clearly anymore. I do have faith that when I get through the forest (holding a slightly larger trophy than before), I am going to walk up another mountain, look back, and see the beauty I have walked through. I will know in that moment that I am exactly where I was led to be.

When God says GO...

Things have been changing quite rapidly here at Singing Waters. Time flies quicker than a goose on acid. I have been here for 10 months, and it feels like 3. As some of you know, I have had issues in the past with focusing on my future, and forgetting about the present. At Singing Waters I have learned to be grateful for the season I am in right now. I have changed my mindset so much, in fact, that God has been like a child tapping me on the shoulder to get my attention. I had my fingers in my ears, and began to hum a ridiculous song in my head to drown Him out. I am afraid to admit that however how hard I try, His constant nagging has persuaded me to begin thinking about my next step.

I had thought since I first started at Singing Waters, that my next step would involve ministry. I know that God has called me to great things (what those are exactly, I am not sure...His voice seems to get all crackly when it comes to that part), I have been working my way up the ladder for quite some time. Sometime I turn back to see how far I have come (I MUST be at least half way up by now) and I notice that I have barely lifted my right foot off the ground. It's okay though, the ladder has been climbed by many, and a lot of them have had a hard fall when they get to the top. I don't want a fast trip up, I want to understand the ladder inside and out...I want to know it's weaknesses and avoid them.

Anyway, the point is that God is gracious. Simple, right?! Sort of. God's grace is pushing me on to the next step. My mindset is begging God to tell me where to go. Then something clicked. A couple months ago I was reading a book called 'Dreaming with God' written by Bill Johnson. It was really good, but I was reading it at the wrong time. When I was soaking one night, God reminded me of the book. A lot of it is about stepping out of this idea that we are slaves to God's will, rather, we are friends of God. He wants to dialogue with us about our future. I realized that I was living out of a slave mentality. I told God 'You must increase, I must decrease', in doing so...I killed every part of my future hopes in order to please Him (who never asked that of me in the first place). The book mentions Mary and Martha. It says that Martha was busy making sandwiches that Jesus never ordered. Mary was in a place with Jesus where she knew exactly what is was that He wanted, and she got it for Him in a second. Her relationship was out of Love, not service. Niiice.

Why am I talking about all this...? I am not exactly sure. All I wanted to do was tell you that I am finally ready to leave. Not because God demands it, but because in His grace, He showed me that I have hopes in a burial ground. He asked if He could raise them for me. I said yes. In July, I will be leaving Singing Waters. I am going to attend the School of Prophets in Stratford, and in September I will go to beauty school. Doesn't sound like a huge deal to most people, but for me...I feel like I was sitting in a musty dark room, and someone has opened the door to a spring wonderland...I can remember what it is like to breath.

Easter is Over!

How did I miss it?! We had four days off at Singing Waters to enjoy Easter. I spent the first two and a half days in complete solitude (very boring) and the last day and half at home. I did not do anything eventful. I think I watched a few too many movies, yes...I definitely did. Anyone who can honestly admit to seeing 8 movies in less than two days needs some serious personal reconstruction. My brain feels like a zip-lock bag full of apple sauce that has just been salvaged from the kitchen floor after falling off of the top shelf of the refrigerator. Its sad, its true.

This Easter was really weird. Every Easter my church has a youth conference called Fresh Wind. It was the first one in 10 years that I have not attended. Its kind of a bitter sweet feeling. It seems I have been walking away from my past in steps. I never really thought about it that way before. I have always been so preoccupied with looking to the future, and trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. I wasn't focused at all on the fact that my hands were holding firmly on to something impossible for me to take with me. Hmm...perhaps I should process a little more before I say much else.

I had another problem with this Easter. If it were not for the fact that I made myself watch The Passion of Christ, I would have done nothing Jesus focused at all this weekend. What has this holiday become? I ate the chocolate, that's for sure. I got together with family. I hardly think a prayer before we eat dinner is sufficiant thanks on the anniversary of a death for my sin. It just seems so...off balance.

Its getting late. I must go to bed. Will write later.

Second Chance

It's way too late to be doing this. Ah well, what difference does it make?!

I made this blog for two reasons.
1. Annie asked me to start writing again.
2. They deleted my old account.

Both are justifiable reasons in my most humble of opinions. I left for myspace two years ago. My writing was put on the shelf, and all the html editing, and profile shiznit took the drivers seat.

Wow. It has only been a couple of minutes, and I have already lost where I was going. The fact is, I am glad to be back. I am not sure how often I will be writing. I hope I keep it up.

For any strangers reading this, welcome! I don't expect you will stay long. I have a strong tendency to babble about nonesense. Kind of like right now actually.

Okay, I am going to stop. This is getting painful.