pointless. absolutly pointless.

I have nothing really profound to say right now, but sometimes that is when the most life changing things come out. Somtimes its not. But I can dream!

I can say with 100% certainty that I am NOT the same person I was a year ago. I am not the same person I was a month ago. I have chaged so much. Isabelle and Ivan were right...and the changes are going to continue...I can feel it. I am so excited! I feel a little disconnected from the person I used to be, and the life I used to have. I think that is okay.

I still have not mourned for Peters death. It is not real to me at all. I don't think it ever will be. I won't ever get to say goodbye.

I love school. I had my very first client on Friday. I did a roller set for her. Her name was Phylis. I loved her. I really am excited to do hairdressing for a short while. I can't believe that something so fun could be a career. I need a job. I really badly need a job. Actually, I just need money. I need 2,000.00 dollars. If I had that, I would be set for the rest of school. I realized how hard it will be to work and be at school. Its complicated. Oh well.

I am supposed to be going to Cody's to watch The Little Rascals in a couple hours. I don't think it is going to happen as soon as I want it to. Cody is a precious character. He doesn't think he is. Its sad.

I am going to spend some time with the man of my heart now. (not Cody...just to be clear).

Bye.

Just Processing...

This week has been really hard. I just want to crawl into a cave and snuggle up to something soft and cozzy for at least several hours. I am so tired of being tired. I want to feel everything I need to feel....but it is like if it all happens at once I will die...so instead I am numb. I feel nothing. I feel kind of zombie-ish.

I have so many thoughts going through my mind about what happened to Peter. I wonder why people didn't see it coming. I wonder why we were not warned in a dream or something. I wonder if I wasn't listening when he was trying to get my attention. I don't blame anyone for what happened....I just wish I had answers so I could tame the hurricane of ideas in my head.

I quit my job after I found out. I really hated my job...and I kind of had it. I don't regret it at all...but I will miss the residents. I just hope I don't have to work at Subway again. I would feel so........like I was working at Subway. I would rather do anything in the world (that is probably not true).

I have been downloading music all evening on Jessica's computer. I hope she loves it....I sure do. I don't know what I would have done without Jessica this week. It feels like she is here at the Ross's for my benefit (sometimes I like to think that I AM that special)...

My brother moved. My best friend (besides Beck, of course) is gone until December...THEN he is gone until MAY!!! I miss him already. I love Elijah.

Hung out with Cody a few times this week. He is a fun time. I like having friends...it feels swell. I really wish I had my car.

I am going to go now, because I have bored myself with typing. At least now you have evidence of my emotional numbness. Not that you needed it....??????

Bye

A letter to a friend I loved.

My dear dear friend,
If I could only turn back time and beg you not to do what you did.
I just don't understand...
I thought you had the answers.
I thought you knew where to run.
I was sure you were stronger.
What you did does not make me doubt our friendship
It doesn't make me doubt God and his unending love for you
It makes me doubt you.
I feel like I never knew you.
The friend I knew was passionate and excited for life.
a warrior
the least selfish person I know
full of strength and peace
I don't know what you were wrestling with when you decided to give up
and I am not sure that my applause in the background
would have made much of a difference
but it didn't have to end this way.
I wish you would have remembered the crowd behind you
we would have faught with you
Did you forget about the champion you had on your side?
He was there with you.
He was right beside you, even to the last blow.
I loved you friend, but that did not seem to make a difference.
I will miss you so much, but you don't seem to care.
You used to tell me everything, and now
I have questions for you that I will never have answers to.
I am sorry that you felt weaker than you are.
If God is as gracious as I know He is,
I WILL see you again.
I loved you. I really loved you.

Bethany

Bliss!

Its September 11, 2007...and I have had one of the best days that I can remember. No sort of spectacular event happened or anything, but I just can't wipe this smile off my face. I feel lighter. I feel like there is nothing that can get me down.

Don't get me wrong, its not like nothing bad happened....lots of minor disappointments occured...but I seem to be unaffected.
I was on the bus coming home from school, and I started to laugh out loud. Just small giggles, but enough to make the people beside me squint in disgust. I got so excited for life that it felt like I was being tickled. Does that make sense? Its the only way I can describe the feeling.

Today, I feel like I can sing...and not care who hears me. I can't remember ever having a day in the past year where I have felt like that. I miss singing for fun. I miss the freedom in it.

I have been overwhelmed with Love this past week. I used to worry about my worth, and found it difficult to accept blessing in any form. Everything is changing in me. I don't even recognize that pauper in my spirit anymore.

Jessica Verner moved in on Saturday. I truly love her, she has awakened a smothered extravert in me that is happy to be fluffed up again. She has aided in more healing for my heart than she knows. I think she is (whats another word for amazing...that word is SO overused)...like the chorus of a song that you just HAVE to put on repeat for the whole day.

I miss Shosh, I hope she visits soon.

I adore school. It doesn't feel like school. It doesn't feel like work. It is like hanging out with friends who all have the same passions as you ALL day (its like the School of Ministry...with a focus on hair) (sort of...).

I am outy. PEACE LOVE and JOY for your week!

It's gonna be like the school of ministry...because you did it..and i did it...and stuff...

Hello friend.

I am back...but just for a short time. I don't have a computer still...

And the news that follows is quite exciting...so keep your eyes peeled (whatever that means)

Jessica Verner (who has just said I can use her laptop) will be moving in with me tomorrow. Yep. She works with me too. Woo.

We are going to start a revival at Roberta Place (umm...maybe not, that's up to the Jesus).

Okay, I love school. I mean...I truly and deeply adore it. It is everything that I thought it would be AND MORE!

I don't have much time...I just wanted to give you an update. So there it is.

I am gonna go cal Elijah now. I miss him.