for my non-barrie friends...

So, here is an update on my situache here in in Barrie (that is what my mom and/or dad would say):

My move to Barrie was out of pure obedience. It didn't make complete sense to leave Singing Waters in the timing that I did...but I was divinely pushed out the door (so to speak). I moved in with a great family (the Ross'), they are super special. I had a talk with Shosh in the first week (Shosh is the youngest daughter, 18, who still lives at home until next week). I told Shosh that over the next four months I was going to learn some important things about God's character and my character. I basically said that they had a purpose.

I spent the last four months working at Roberta Place (a long term care facility for seniors) as a dietary aide (I serve food and then clean it up). Somehow in the shuffle of working, I changed my mindset. I decided that the four months of work before school were nothing. A waste of time...trying to save money...and failing. I was not paying much attention to the mountain of lessons I was learning every day. The millions of character challenges I was facing multiple times a week. I just kept trucking along (seriously, I can't think of a better word for it).

I told Shosh last week about how shocked I am to be learning so much even in this waste of space. She freaked out at me...She was like 'You told ME when you first got here that all this would happen. You knew you were going to be challenged'. So yeah...I forgot that there is purpose in everything...even nothing.

I start school in less than a week. I don't think I have ever been so excited to start anything in my entire life. I am more excited about hairdressing school than I was for the school of ministry.

Okay, so keeping true to old form...I will go through how I am feeling in every part:

Emotionally:
I am peachy. Two days ago I got super emo, so Shosh, Liz and I watched Pride and Prejudice. It's the perfect remedy...really! I have been super bored, struggled with competition, and experienced some self loathing...but I always seem to come back to my senses almost immediately. I really can see how far I have come. A renewed mind...thanks.

Spiritually:
Jesus has been my most faithful and present friend in the past third of a year. I moved to Barrie not knowing anybody but Him. I feel more aware of Him than ever. I read two amazing books (both for the second time) Dreaming with God and Shifting Shadows of Supernatural Power...oh yeah...AND Supernatural ways of Royalty...sooo good. I started out going to Jerry and Pam Steingards church. They are simply amazing. Really...simply. I love the freedom they bring to church. The only problem is I was CRAVING social interaction, and not getting much. I decided to try out the youth church for a little while. I love it there. I feel right at home there...and every week seems to get a little better. Maybe because ever week we are all a little closer to Gods heart. Nice.

Mentally:
Good.

Physically:
Uhh...I have a cold. I walk a lot. I should be eating more veggies. I wish I swam more this summer. It is my favourite thing in the world...and I think I did it thrice (thanks Renee).

Socially:
Decent. I spent a lot of time with Renee (who is leaving to do the SOM in September). She has been a Godsend for sure. I just started going to the youth church a month and a half ago...but I can see relationships forming and what not. Some of my dearest friends have trekked out here to visit me. I miss my car. Having a car makes such a difference in the quality of a social life...acutally...more the quantity of a social life. Hmm...
I am content with where things are at now. I used to stress out about making sure I had a foundation of Christian friends before I start school...I am not so concerned any more.

I think that is everything. I hope you are all doing well. I miss you guys.

I am good. I am. Really...I AM!

I am a prophetic woman, and God LOVES to keep me humble. Its hard sometimes, but humility is something that i have learned to lust after. Once, after a couple hours of self reflection, I walked up to some girl and asked her this:

"Isn't craving humility actually an act of pride? I want to be humble so I can be first instead of last. I want to serve others more for self gratification. But it is the desire of my heart, and the desires of my heart are good...right?!"

I think that is one of those 'spirit heart and mind' battles. Humility is a true desire...but I thought about it too much. It got mixed with the sin of my head and the pain in my heart. CLEAN ME OUT JESUS!

I don't want to focus on me anymore. I want to be focused on Him completely...all the time. I think I have gotten lost in this whole world of 'inner healing'. That is a valid danger in the church...getting so self-involved, magnifying our issues. So many people are stale mate because they want to 'get rid of all the junk' before they do anything for Jesus.

Isn't that why He used prostitutes, beggars, sick and decaying people, tax collectors and other socially (and especially religiously) unacceptable sinners?! I am pretty sure He was making some sort of point there. Maybe it's just me.

I am not trying to belittle inner healing. It has changed countless lives for sure. I just don't want to let my issues hold me back. That is so selfish. It has the potential to counteract Unconditional Love and Grace. I would much rather be focused on the eyes that are gazing into mine with passion and love...than look down at the dirt and grime on my clothes. That's for darn sure.

I am starting to learn that people only see parts of your heart that you are willing to share (unless they are deeply prophetic). I am open enough to share all the darkest parts of my heart. I don't often share the good parts. The sad thing about that is the dark parts are not real!!! Not at all. So people don't often get to see me!!

Alright...disregard that. I was just being dramatic. I was processing a thought that is probably not ready to be processed.

LOVE LOVE LOVE you all...going now.

A uniquely typical Sunday experience...

What a wonderfully glorious day I am having!

I woke up bright and early (9:00) which happens to be the earliest I have gotten up in the last three weeks. I had breakfast with Shosh (one of our last before she moves away...tear) and took the bus to meet some other churchy people. It was a fantastically fresh time...I felt charged and ready to go.

My dads birthday was last Thursday, so he and my mother came out to Barrie to take me out for lunch. We went to The Mango Tree, which hits the spot every time (if you like Thai food...mmm). We naturally followed that up by going to the Barrie Fair. If you like cows, pigs, and dogs, you'd LOVE the Barrie Fair. I never thought watching dogs jump off some stage into a pool of water would be so entertaining.

I felt bad for the poor cows and pigs. I highly doubt their owners give them praise after a long day of poking and petting from spectators. NEVER watch Babe or Charlotte's Web before going to the Barrie Fair. It will break your heart. I happened to watch both in the last couple weeks...big mistake. I wanted to take them all home with me; then I saw the mother...and I changed my mind. Besides, I think I had pork for lunch...I am no hypocrite!

Now, for the rest of my afternoon I am going to plunk away at the guitar...praise my man...and then wait patiently for a call from a friend to go get crazy for the remainder of the evening. Delightful.

I really am enjoying the day. I just thought you all should know!

Oh yeah...ONE WEEK AND TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!

I am alive!

I am listening to Sufjan right now. Beautiful.

I just came from my room where I was plunking away at my guitar. I decided I am going to get lessons when I am done school. I fear that I have some rotten musical habits from teaching myself. I guess I will find out. My fingers hurt.

Do you ever have those moments where you have an overwhelming revelation of your faults?! I don't get them often, but when they happen...I want to hide myself away for at least a month. I had one yesterday. They are obviously NOT thoughts I came up with on my own...because they are memories I thought I had forgotten (not so sure that made sense). In the past, I would have felt like crap for about five minutes, and then told myself that there is nothing I can do to change what has been...c'est la vie. Not yesterday. Yesterday, I pondered. I tried to tell myself that the people who were a part of those memories have long forgotten them, or that what I did is part of who I am and those people love me in spite of (or because of ) those things. It wasn't a particularly helpful train of thought. The final conclusion I came up with...Grace, Mercy, and Unconditional Love...thanks.

I smiled at work yesterday. I was humming songs, skipping around and taking my time. Usually, I am trying to beat every record I have ever broken to get out of there as fast as possible. Not last night. I stopped to chat to my co-workers. I took my time talking to the residents. I made sure to pay attention to my surroundings. I feel like a common fool for saying before that it was hard to find God at my work. I was obviously not looking very hard.

ACTUALLY...I think it is the whole revelation that I had at Cutting Edge...except it wasn't so...revelatory to me then...

Instead of trying to be a glowy Jesus ball at work...trying my darnedest to represent...I went to work last night abandoned. I was just me. I happen to be full of joy (its best seen when I don't have a cloud of agenda or striving around me, both of which I have had like crazy in Barrie...trying to start a new life here). It was so refreshing to just be ME at work...and not perform. I felt alive...like something jump started my heart...

Cool, eh!?

ma na ma na...do do do do do...

It is hard for me to perform.
I never pull it off the way I intend too.

Maybe that is one of God's graces...He makes it really clear when we are putting on a mask so our true faces have opportunity to shine brighter.

Yesterday, I was thinking how great it would be if we could string ourselves up like puppets and toss God the end...saying 'THIS IS MY WILL...' and for the rest of our lives, we would not have to worry about what we were doing.
The thought only lasted for seconds. I remembered the relationship thing. It is not about the destination, it is about the journey.

I started getting stressed about the fact that I don't have money for rent in September. Funny how quickly we forget how huge God is, when something so small blocks our view. I decided I would focus on all the times in the past that God has come through for me. It's a massive list. But it just wasn't feeling right either.

Now I realize, we (God and I) are in this together. I surrendered myself to Him. I am following His leading. He led me here, and now...BOTH of us... hand in hand...are going to see it through. It's not just me...waiting for something to fall from the sky. It's US waiting in the moment...Him looking into my eyes, asking me to trust Him.

I do. I trust Him, completely. I am focused on now.


Okay. Now some other stuff.

I went to the cottage last week. It was so refreshing. I brought my guitar and thought I would get to write a hit single...but no...it just didn't happen. I mostly talked with my Great Aunt Lou. She is quite the trip. She is kind of losing her memory, so she would sit and tell the same 10 minute story three times in a row...at least once every couple of hours. I really honestly didn't mind it. Her face lit up when she told it. There must be some reason why the same story was stuck in her head. It was about her nieces dog, Sebastian, who always wanted to go for a walk.

Maybe it was triggered by Blossom. Blossom was there for the week. She was so scared the first two nights, being away from home...so she would stay up all night scratching my hand so I would pet her. Quite annoying at 3 in the morning...but my love for my dog overpowers all frustration. I didn't get much sleep.

My dad and brother (Noah) caught three pickerel. They cleaned them up, and fried them for brecky. I don't quite understand fishing. I know men must feel like they have done something rugged...but it's SOOOO boring. And with all the gadgets....
You would think they would feel good about going out with a worm, a stick, and some string...THAT would be amazing...and with a boat that didn't have an electric motor...a canoe for instance.
Ah well, they felt pretty good about themselves. It was pretty cool. And if the way they caught them wasn't enough...the way they KILLED them was. Very manly.

I got to play euchre. I kicked butt. Won every time (but when you are playing with someone who has lost her memory and can't remember what trump is...I guess it is not much of a feat). I LOVVEE euchre.

Okay, I have WAY too much to write about my week...and I just don't have enough energy to do it. I am going to end this now.

A Psalm of Sorts

I am undone by grace
standing in Your strength alone
Your mind is a mystery
Your heart a cave of secrets
invite me in
render a hint of your radiance
that threatens a dark night
I am an instrument of praise
singing of your glory love
like a drum that echos in the wake of war
invading the quivering black
I am Yours

Some more of my heart in words...

I find it difficult to truly share my heart. It probably has to do with the fact that I have been so rushed in the past to 'get straight to the point' that now...that's all I do. Most people misunderstand me because they don't know where I am coming from. It's not their fault. That's why I like to write...I don't feel so rushed.

I am a kingdom woman. I want to remember that all the time!

I just got off the phone with my parents. We were talking about my night. It was interesting...I kind of had a break down. I started crying out in frustration "why am I going through this stuff right now?! This is juvenile christian material...I should have gone through this stuff when I was five." and "I have way too much pride to go through this stuff publicly" (which is exactly what happened tonight at Cutting Edge).

I know my relationship with God is a journey. I love Him more than anything, because everything is NOTHING without Him. I trust Him completely, and even when I don't...he is still faithful...(you have to unpack that to 'get it'). I desire (more than anything in the world) to be a spirit being...I want to be the kind of person who is so immersed in God that people can't tell the difference between us. I can't snap my fingers and be there...but at the same time...I feel like I could be so much closer to that than where I am now. I find it difficult to find joy in my present circumstance...because I am not physically pursuing it with everything in me. He is not holding himself back...so...it must be me trying to take too much luggage. I hate luggage. You would think after all my years, I would just be carrying a small change purse...but NOOooooOOO...I have several dump truck loads....and I am dragging them behind me. The good news is that they ARE behind me...and not PART of me. Nope...I am a spirit woman, pure and clean from all that junk...so why do I keep dragging it around...good question!

I have grace for myself (at least...I think I do). I also know that God is in love with me RIGHT NOW, just as I am. Even with all my drama, sarcasm, and self judgement. I am His. He loves my heart. He loves my passion. He loves my drive to find Him in every place.

I am growing, I am changing...

And, about work...I don't HATE WORK...like I say all the time. I am doing some personal ministry with myself tonight about that. haha. not so funny. The point is...I don't hate work...that is just a label I was giving my frustration (I actually kinda like my job). I am just having a shadowy time right now. Bright things are kinda hard to see...but I am coming out of it...and things are shinier than they were before!

I can't wait to write in a couple weeks and see how far I have come. The future is looking good my friends...and I guess the present is kind of amazing as well.

AND...I love Renee. She is super sweet. And Michael is just a tad prophetic.

A few heart ramblings...

God showed me last night that I have been clinging to a garbage bin screaming out 'THIS IS MY HOME!' in some sort of drugged out rage. He told me that he waits until I am too weak to resist him, before he takes me back to my palace where he cleans me up, puts a crown on my head, and tucks me into bed beside him. He reminds me that my home is with him. I am royalty. And, above all else, he adores me. Home is not home when I am not there. We hear all these stories about a prodigal son or a pauper who learns he is a prince...somehow it just doesn't seem to hit home.

I watched The Notebook again (I really didn't like it the first time, now it is almost tolerable). It actually managed to speak to my heart. Noah's life was devoted to reminding Allie that he loved her. He could have just said it...'I am your husband...and I love you'...But it was the whole idea of her 'coming back' to him...realizing that she was his wife, and that she loved him in return that he was after. God told me last night 'abandon your perspective, stay with me'.

I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the line something was robbed from me. I know that it is missing, because when I see it in somebody else, my spirit cries out. My voice. My voice has been robbed from me...and I think I let it happen. I think I just watched the enemy march off with one of my deepest passions. I want it back. I am going to get it back. My voice is a gift to me from someone that I love very much...I just hope it doesn't come back damaged...sigh...

Work has been hard. I would almost say it has been hell (Hell is any place where there is a lack of God)...I can't find God at work. I search him out all the time. Sometimes I think he is close...sometimes I can hear him making a noise behind the corner...giving me clues of where to look. I have never been in a place where I felt SO out of my comfort zone in regards to my spirituality. It is hard to claim ground for life when there is so much death around. I can't help but be aware of the spirit side of things, even at work. I am sure that more practical people don't understand my dilemma at all. Then again, I don't really care! haha. ohhhhh....

I am so thankful for friendship. I love feeling understood. Any girl likes to feel understood. I have been living in Barrie for three months! The people I live with are only JUST starting to figure out who I am. It's a nice not to feel like such a stranger. At the same time...if it took three months for people that I spend EVERY DAY with to 'get me', how long will it take people I only see once a week. Oh crap. I have quite the feat! I don't know why I figured relationship was so instantaneous before...HA! Oh well, time...time does so much...I shall wait a little longer.

You don't know what the bleep I've been through!

I was thinking today about that statement.
I think they are wrong.

Sure, I HATE it when I am trying to express how upset I am about certain situations and then somebody else butts in with how they feel the EXACT same way. It's annoying. Everybody wants to be an individual. Too bad for them (me).

The fact is that if nobody could identify with the way another person felt movies would have zero market, relationship would be impossible (considering the root word), and people would be completely alone in their circumstance. I don't really want to live like that.

To say that one person has no clue what another person has experienced is not exactly a fair call. When we first meet another person, we spend quite some time searching (even subconsciously) for ways to relate to them.

I took a course in university called 'Learning to Suffer Well'. It was a course that studied why God allows suffering in the world. One of the main points was that everybody experiences incomparable pain. If my dog were to die, and your dog were to die, I might experience overwhelming sorrow...while you have a short cry and move on. Even in that situation...I am sure you would be able to identify with the pain that I was feeling.

haha. WHY AM I BLOGGING ABOUT THIS?!?!?! I am going to stop right now. HAHA. Think about it...what do these thoughts have to do with anything?!?!

Oh yeah...I was just thinking, if anybody ever said the title statement during an argument...how would I respond? I would probably tell them most of what I wrote here...and by then we would probably forget what we were fighting about. GOOD CALL!