I am alive!

I am listening to Sufjan right now. Beautiful.

I just came from my room where I was plunking away at my guitar. I decided I am going to get lessons when I am done school. I fear that I have some rotten musical habits from teaching myself. I guess I will find out. My fingers hurt.

Do you ever have those moments where you have an overwhelming revelation of your faults?! I don't get them often, but when they happen...I want to hide myself away for at least a month. I had one yesterday. They are obviously NOT thoughts I came up with on my own...because they are memories I thought I had forgotten (not so sure that made sense). In the past, I would have felt like crap for about five minutes, and then told myself that there is nothing I can do to change what has been...c'est la vie. Not yesterday. Yesterday, I pondered. I tried to tell myself that the people who were a part of those memories have long forgotten them, or that what I did is part of who I am and those people love me in spite of (or because of ) those things. It wasn't a particularly helpful train of thought. The final conclusion I came up with...Grace, Mercy, and Unconditional Love...thanks.

I smiled at work yesterday. I was humming songs, skipping around and taking my time. Usually, I am trying to beat every record I have ever broken to get out of there as fast as possible. Not last night. I stopped to chat to my co-workers. I took my time talking to the residents. I made sure to pay attention to my surroundings. I feel like a common fool for saying before that it was hard to find God at my work. I was obviously not looking very hard.

ACTUALLY...I think it is the whole revelation that I had at Cutting Edge...except it wasn't so...revelatory to me then...

Instead of trying to be a glowy Jesus ball at work...trying my darnedest to represent...I went to work last night abandoned. I was just me. I happen to be full of joy (its best seen when I don't have a cloud of agenda or striving around me, both of which I have had like crazy in Barrie...trying to start a new life here). It was so refreshing to just be ME at work...and not perform. I felt alive...like something jump started my heart...

Cool, eh!?