God showed me last night that I have been clinging to a garbage bin screaming out 'THIS IS MY HOME!' in some sort of drugged out rage. He told me that he waits until I am too weak to resist him, before he takes me back to my palace where he cleans me up, puts a crown on my head, and tucks me into bed beside him. He reminds me that my home is with him. I am royalty. And, above all else, he adores me. Home is not home when I am not there. We hear all these stories about a prodigal son or a pauper who learns he is a prince...somehow it just doesn't seem to hit home.
I watched The Notebook again (I really didn't like it the first time, now it is almost tolerable). It actually managed to speak to my heart. Noah's life was devoted to reminding Allie that he loved her. He could have just said it...'I am your husband...and I love you'...But it was the whole idea of her 'coming back' to him...realizing that she was his wife, and that she loved him in return that he was after. God told me last night 'abandon your perspective, stay with me'.
I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the line something was robbed from me. I know that it is missing, because when I see it in somebody else, my spirit cries out. My voice. My voice has been robbed from me...and I think I let it happen. I think I just watched the enemy march off with one of my deepest passions. I want it back. I am going to get it back. My voice is a gift to me from someone that I love very much...I just hope it doesn't come back damaged...sigh...
Work has been hard. I would almost say it has been hell (Hell is any place where there is a lack of God)...I can't find God at work. I search him out all the time. Sometimes I think he is close...sometimes I can hear him making a noise behind the corner...giving me clues of where to look. I have never been in a place where I felt SO out of my comfort zone in regards to my spirituality. It is hard to claim ground for life when there is so much death around. I can't help but be aware of the spirit side of things, even at work. I am sure that more practical people don't understand my dilemma at all. Then again, I don't really care! haha. ohhhhh....
I am so thankful for friendship. I love feeling understood. Any girl likes to feel understood. I have been living in Barrie for three months! The people I live with are only JUST starting to figure out who I am. It's a nice not to feel like such a stranger. At the same time...if it took three months for people that I spend EVERY DAY with to 'get me', how long will it take people I only see once a week. Oh crap. I have quite the feat! I don't know why I figured relationship was so instantaneous before...HA! Oh well, time...time does so much...I shall wait a little longer.
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