I find it difficult to truly share my heart. It probably has to do with the fact that I have been so rushed in the past to 'get straight to the point' that now...that's all I do. Most people misunderstand me because they don't know where I am coming from. It's not their fault. That's why I like to write...I don't feel so rushed.
I am a kingdom woman. I want to remember that all the time!
I just got off the phone with my parents. We were talking about my night. It was interesting...I kind of had a break down. I started crying out in frustration "why am I going through this stuff right now?! This is juvenile christian material...I should have gone through this stuff when I was five." and "I have way too much pride to go through this stuff publicly" (which is exactly what happened tonight at Cutting Edge).
I know my relationship with God is a journey. I love Him more than anything, because everything is NOTHING without Him. I trust Him completely, and even when I don't...he is still faithful...(you have to unpack that to 'get it'). I desire (more than anything in the world) to be a spirit being...I want to be the kind of person who is so immersed in God that people can't tell the difference between us. I can't snap my fingers and be there...but at the same time...I feel like I could be so much closer to that than where I am now. I find it difficult to find joy in my present circumstance...because I am not physically pursuing it with everything in me. He is not holding himself back...so...it must be me trying to take too much luggage. I hate luggage. You would think after all my years, I would just be carrying a small change purse...but NOOooooOOO...I have several dump truck loads....and I am dragging them behind me. The good news is that they ARE behind me...and not PART of me. Nope...I am a spirit woman, pure and clean from all that junk...so why do I keep dragging it around...good question!
I have grace for myself (at least...I think I do). I also know that God is in love with me RIGHT NOW, just as I am. Even with all my drama, sarcasm, and self judgement. I am His. He loves my heart. He loves my passion. He loves my drive to find Him in every place.
I am growing, I am changing...
And, about work...I don't HATE WORK...like I say all the time. I am doing some personal ministry with myself tonight about that. haha. not so funny. The point is...I don't hate work...that is just a label I was giving my frustration (I actually kinda like my job). I am just having a shadowy time right now. Bright things are kinda hard to see...but I am coming out of it...and things are shinier than they were before!
I can't wait to write in a couple weeks and see how far I have come. The future is looking good my friends...and I guess the present is kind of amazing as well.
AND...I love Renee. She is super sweet. And Michael is just a tad prophetic.
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1 comment:
i love you! and i wish i was as mature as you. seriously.
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