LAST POST of 2007. Read it if you dare...

I am determined to write something profound here in the next fifteen minutes.

I have this sparking urge to be creative...like some carbonated beverage about to explode.

Lets see...

Hmm...

Well, we can start with New Years. Thinking about the new year forces me to put my current life into perspective; likes and dislikes are magnified and all of a sudden every second I wasted in the past year comes flooding back with the force of weeks. It is so hard not to burry myself with regrets; thinking of things I could have done differently. It seems I spent 2007 going through constant change in every way. I am better for it. 

I remember my biggest lesson of 2006 was to be happy with who I am in the present; to not be so focused on the future me. I was so distracted by looking forward that I missed everything going on around me. I couldn't accept myself, because I was too aware of what I could be...and wasn't. I started off 2007 with the revelation that I had value in every moment. I started off loving myself, and daring to dream for the next day. 

I would probably say that my most cherished lesson for 2007 is that I am worth a chase. My heart was wooed consistently...I walked under a cloud that showered treasure after treasure. I can remember feeling as though the dozens of little locked up boxes that were inside of me had been opened. A thick sheet had lifted, and I was suddenly aware of the way I contributed to the Kingdom. Come to think of it, that is what 2007 was. It was a revelation of my royalty and the beginnings of my knowledge of responsibility.

2008 will likely be the most intense year I have yet faced. I will learn a lot through trial and error. I have a feeling I will be exploring some new ground...stumbling my way through it.  At the same time, I know it will be my favourite year so far! I'll be spending lots and lots of time with someone I love very much. He is going to help me through it. 

So..New Years Resolutions?? I guess mine are:

-to remember my worth as I go on to face bigger challenges.

-to pay better attention/stay focused

-take care of myself so I can take care of others

-challenge sin and be soft to correction

On a slightly different tune...

Here are some things I have been thinking about recently.

I was spending some time with God last week and He showed me a picture...it went like this:

I was sitting in a room with a box. The box had parts inside it like a giant 3D puzzle...and on the outside was a blurry picture of what it was meant to look like put together. I emptied the box and tried putting the parts together. I came up with several possibilities of what it was supposed to be. Each time it looked great, I was just not satisfied. I began to get frustrated...smashing it to pieces when I finished.

God said "Bethany, if you would just invite me in the room...I invented that toy. Its not meant to be work for you. It was meant to be a game for us..." 

I looked at the box, and noticed a sign "for 2 players"

He continued, "You are a smart and capable girl. You can make something out of nothing. I know you so well, better than you would like. You want to figure it out on your own, but you will not find joy in that. You find your joy in me and only me. I made you that way. I made the game to work that way. Bethany, I want to play with you. Stop working so hard to impress me. I crave quality time. That is the point."

So, needless to say...I want to stop working.

In God's grace, He showed me that I have been slaving away to impress Him...leaving Him out of the journey. I realized pretty quickly (thank the Lord) that I was walking down a long, tiring and ultimately unsatisfying road that would lead to lots of painful character development...and little else. I turned back, and I am doing my best to walk down the foggier, windier, and honestly...scarier...road, abandoned to selfish ambition. I am always up for an adventure...and this one promises to be more fun...and full of cuddles. I like it. 

And last, but not least...Romans 12 is blowing my mind. 

Thank-you for stopping bye. Come again some time...

bring tea...

it helps the read. 

A Parable...I guess...

Many years ago, there was a war. In most wars there are two sides and each side fights with passion and courage. They fight for a cause. In this war, the lines seemed to be quite blurry. The soldiers were quiet in hiding, blending in with their surroundings. 

Very suddenly a King would come to inspire his army to fight. He brought them through training, and led them into victory after victory. The King would threaten the enemy with a shaking that would change the course of the war forever. Eventually, the King would leave on other business; he would one day return. Before He left, he made a promise to his army. "Fight. Fight hard. If you do this in my name, you will win every time!"

Years passed, and the war went on. The soldiers grew tired, forgetting the battle they were in. They began to get restless and started fighting each other, wounding each others arms and legs. Some went back into hiding, not knowing that the enemy knew of their whereabouts at all times.

When the King received news of what his army was going through, he sent a doctor with a message. The doctor came and was available to anyone who asked for his help. Only a few soldiers trusted the doctor enough with their wounds, and they were brought back to full health. The doctor warned these few that the King would soon return, and he would expect his army to be ready. 

Some soldiers went back to warn the others, urging them to come out and fight. Others would go to the town and try to recruit more. There was a small handful that would go out and stand on the front line, holding on to the promise of the King. 

Time is short.

The front lines are bare.

I will fight.

Dear Barrie

Some people choose not to listen. They don't because if they did, they would have to change. I have known truth since I was little, and I still consciously decide to ignore the whispers in my spirit to satisfy the complacency of my soul.

I want change for you, but that means change for me. I want you to see clearly, to feel deeply, to know that you have been rescued from your past and future.

Look! See the hand that is coming for you. Take it while it is being so adoringly offered, strong and gentle, for now.

I trust Him more than anything. He is my life, every word is new breath. I want to pay attention to what my Love is doing.

I can hear His heartbeat, its getting louder. There is an undeniable rhythm that is touching you. It is calling your name. Will you answer? Will I answer?

Blah.

I think I am going to go through all of my past posts and tag the people I talk about sometimes. T'would be wise I think.

I have so much to say with no idea where to begin. I am in kind of a weird mood...weird good...but weird unsorted...ya know?!

First of all, if you have not seen Prison Break before, I strongly suggest that you go out an rent the first season immediatly.
It is pretty darned good. I go out with Jessica to meet a little group of our friends at the healing rooms to watch every other day-ish. I really love it. I think I might like the community part....Prison Break would not be half as amazing without the crew.
I like it.

Michael said that it feels like I am having my summer now. It is a good and bad thing I guess. I have been getting my priorities a little out of whack in the last month. I need to regroup...summon that left brained part of my head...the reason...the anti-social catapiller in my soul. Not to say that left brainers are anti-social...I think they just know how to prioritize a little better. I have it in me. I do. School is number one...School is number one...School is number one.

I was watching the Little Mirmaid with Cody and Jessica a couple days ago. I reminded myself of the seagull. Isnt' that lovely. No. It's not. But I laughed. Also, I went to see Jane Austin with some friends...It was a really good movie about a book club. It was the most chick flick film I have ever sat through. One of the girls was hilariously depressing and Heather kept leaning over saying the character reminded her of me. HORRIBLE...but hilarious. I don't think I am depressing...but sometimes when my face relaxes too much...I look pathetically sad. HAHAHA.

I am moving next week. Jessica and I found a basement apartment. Hopefully Jen Bland will move in with us. That would be lovely. I can't wait. It is going to be much closer to school than where I am now. My commuting time will be quartered, Nice. We are going to have a beautiful set up. Woo Hoo.

I am on a Daniel Fast. Have been for four days so far. I can hardly tell I have given anything up so far. It must be God. I was expecting to have intense withdrawl and be forced into the arms of Jesus to comfort my aches and groans for meat and bread and cheese....but no. I don't miss them yet. Maybe I will. Not much is different...but I am going to stick it through.

I am done now. Can't think of anything else to say.
Have a good one.

on guard, oh heart of mine!

I hope that me writting this little note doesn't reveal more in my heart than I want it to. I just feel like I need to undergo some social/emotional bulimia...force puking some things going on in my brain.

This is going to be mostly from a female perspective, because try as I may, I just can't figure out how a male brain works in this respect. It was about three years ago that I realized I just don't like when boys and girls like eachother (especially in Christian circles...for some reason they are WAY more intense). It changes dynamics in friendships (for everyone involved) so much. More than that, I am not sure if boys realize it or not, but girls get ENTIRLY infatuated with them. I explained it to my little brother once. When a girl likes a boy, that boy is constantly, ALL THE TIME, on the girls thoughts somewhere. Girls have a gift, we can multitask. We can multithink. Somewhere, in the whirl wind of scheduales and ideas in our brains, there is a picture of some beautiful face that everything circles around. Girls are crazy. Its a fact. We can make fairy tale stories up in our mind all day long involving crushes. Every single girl that I know has thought of how wonderful it would be for prince charming to show up at school or work unexpected to sweep them away into a land of love and sunshine. It is just the way we work.

I am older now. When I hear a story I can usually tell the difference between reality and a dream world. My right-brained thoughts have slowly turned into a more logical left-brained reasoning. I want there to be clear communication between guys and girls when it comes to romance. It just saves us girls from drama. I know it is a vulnerable thing to talk about those warm fuzzies or the lack there of...but if guys were exposed to the thoughts that go through a ladies heart when she is in like...I am sure they would confront them sooner than later.

I decided a while ago (before I moved to Barrie) that I was going to make blurry lines VERY clear in my relationships with males. I decided I was going to guard my own heart, hold stronger boundaries, put fantasies out of my thoughts entirely (I am still human and female...its a work in progress). I decided that when a friend comes to me to talk about boys...I would bring them down from the clouds and make things real for them.

It is a little bit depressing. Someone told me that I was destorying 'the game' in relationships. I wasn't sure if that was a bad thing. I don't think there should be 'games'...because someone almost always loses.

The point is: I want the princess to be rescued from her tower. I worry that if the communication between men and women continues as it has, the fairy tale is ruined, and the princess loses more and more hope that she will ever have her happy ending.

To Love, From Afar

It is so much easier to love from a distance. Sending kind word over an ocean, or having quality time through a wire. Loving face to face is a challenge. Maybe it always has been, and technology just made relationship a little more consistant. I was inspired to think in this direction after thanksgiving dinner. There is so much heartache in some family dynamics. This year, I was painfully aware of it in mine.

Before I say much more, it is important to note that Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday. I always have the highest of hopes for a picture perfect weekend (leaves painting the landscape with beautiful warm hues, familys hand in hand, delicious meals, intimate conversations over wine in a candlelit living room). The weekends almost never turn out as perfect as I see them in my mind, but they are always lovely in their own way. This year was a little different.

My parents are moving around the block. They spend the day over at the new house, preparing for a man to come and put a floor down. My little brother (and best friend after Beck) is in North Carolina for a year. My other brother was (we assumed) out with friends. I (with great dedication to the holiday) spent the morning slaving away. I made 2 apple pies the night before. I made a turkey with stuffing, squash, sweet potatoe casarole, creamed peas and croissants. I bought wine, apple cider, and maple walnut ice cream for the pies. It was going to be wonderful. My exausted parents showed up a half hour before the meal. The whole meal was spent in frustration over the fact that my brother had forgotten about thanksgiving. After the meal, we began to clean up...and Noah walked up the stairs. It turned out that he had been sleeping, waiting for us to wake him up for the meal.

I once learned to juggle. Try as I may...I just couldn't get it down. The balls flew everywhere...and I tried with everything in me to keep track of them. That is what the emotions were like this afternoon. There was nothing I could do. That is what led me to thinking...wow...Love is easier to manage from a distance. I am really good at holding things together when I am outside of the situation. Once I am involved face to face things are so different. I become another noise in the background or something. I don't know. Its just a new observation.

I was thinking how Jesus loved everyone face to face. How much more could he have done with technology...maybe that is why he didn't come during the millenium. People have gotten so lazy. I mean, back then...they travelled on foot for days to see him. Now...we would lazily turn on our computers, and see if we could find him on youtube...and imagine if we found out you had to pay for all his sermons...oh dear. We are a strange society.

Hmm. Just some things to think about. As for my holiday...its not over. There is still opportunity for things to turn for the better. The leaves are still gorgeous, and the food was good.

Happy thanksgiving everyone (again).
Love you all.

with a thankful heart...

A list in no particular order of things I am thankful for:

1. Annie Matheson (she gets first place because it is her birthday in a couple hours)
2. A foggy morning in the country
3. Baking stuff that turns out wonderful
4. Music. There is really something to listen to for every mood.
5. Friends with vehicles who drive great distances for relationship.
6. Jessica Verner (without her life would be just a little bland)
7. My grandmother (without her, I would be stalemate)
8. Blossom. I love her. She saved my life.
9. My family. For more reasons that I can write on here.
10. Gateway youth. Its nice to have a home away from home.
11. Toothpaste. Can you imagine a life without toothpaste...oh dear.
12. Free Will. Sometimes I hate it, but without it...growth would be much less impressive.
13. Humility, passion, and courage. Those three things together will change the world.
14. clean rooms with clean atmospheres. walking into them is like breathing for the first time.
15. Hair.
16. Colours. I am so very thankful for colours.
17. Shakespeare. Oh william...you are a poet.
18. Kristy. She makes school fun.
19. Danielle. She plays a wonderful mediator between me and the camera.
20. George Bush. Just because I think he is a sweet man...maybe with the wrong occupation...sweet none-the-less.
21. Mystery.
22. Challenge.
23. The Trinity and their pursuit for my affection.


Okay, so there is a list of things that stick out in my head right now. I have been trying to think of one thing that I am most thankful for this season. I think it would have to be life. I am so thankful that I have a future full of hope and suprises. Woo hoo.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Eat pie. Drink wine. Consume turkey. Fellowship with loved ones. And think of how great it feels to be alive. (and to the american ones...you will have your turn...)

BIG HUGS AND KISSES TO THE ONES I ADORE!

pointless. absolutly pointless.

I have nothing really profound to say right now, but sometimes that is when the most life changing things come out. Somtimes its not. But I can dream!

I can say with 100% certainty that I am NOT the same person I was a year ago. I am not the same person I was a month ago. I have chaged so much. Isabelle and Ivan were right...and the changes are going to continue...I can feel it. I am so excited! I feel a little disconnected from the person I used to be, and the life I used to have. I think that is okay.

I still have not mourned for Peters death. It is not real to me at all. I don't think it ever will be. I won't ever get to say goodbye.

I love school. I had my very first client on Friday. I did a roller set for her. Her name was Phylis. I loved her. I really am excited to do hairdressing for a short while. I can't believe that something so fun could be a career. I need a job. I really badly need a job. Actually, I just need money. I need 2,000.00 dollars. If I had that, I would be set for the rest of school. I realized how hard it will be to work and be at school. Its complicated. Oh well.

I am supposed to be going to Cody's to watch The Little Rascals in a couple hours. I don't think it is going to happen as soon as I want it to. Cody is a precious character. He doesn't think he is. Its sad.

I am going to spend some time with the man of my heart now. (not Cody...just to be clear).

Bye.

Just Processing...

This week has been really hard. I just want to crawl into a cave and snuggle up to something soft and cozzy for at least several hours. I am so tired of being tired. I want to feel everything I need to feel....but it is like if it all happens at once I will die...so instead I am numb. I feel nothing. I feel kind of zombie-ish.

I have so many thoughts going through my mind about what happened to Peter. I wonder why people didn't see it coming. I wonder why we were not warned in a dream or something. I wonder if I wasn't listening when he was trying to get my attention. I don't blame anyone for what happened....I just wish I had answers so I could tame the hurricane of ideas in my head.

I quit my job after I found out. I really hated my job...and I kind of had it. I don't regret it at all...but I will miss the residents. I just hope I don't have to work at Subway again. I would feel so........like I was working at Subway. I would rather do anything in the world (that is probably not true).

I have been downloading music all evening on Jessica's computer. I hope she loves it....I sure do. I don't know what I would have done without Jessica this week. It feels like she is here at the Ross's for my benefit (sometimes I like to think that I AM that special)...

My brother moved. My best friend (besides Beck, of course) is gone until December...THEN he is gone until MAY!!! I miss him already. I love Elijah.

Hung out with Cody a few times this week. He is a fun time. I like having friends...it feels swell. I really wish I had my car.

I am going to go now, because I have bored myself with typing. At least now you have evidence of my emotional numbness. Not that you needed it....??????

Bye

A letter to a friend I loved.

My dear dear friend,
If I could only turn back time and beg you not to do what you did.
I just don't understand...
I thought you had the answers.
I thought you knew where to run.
I was sure you were stronger.
What you did does not make me doubt our friendship
It doesn't make me doubt God and his unending love for you
It makes me doubt you.
I feel like I never knew you.
The friend I knew was passionate and excited for life.
a warrior
the least selfish person I know
full of strength and peace
I don't know what you were wrestling with when you decided to give up
and I am not sure that my applause in the background
would have made much of a difference
but it didn't have to end this way.
I wish you would have remembered the crowd behind you
we would have faught with you
Did you forget about the champion you had on your side?
He was there with you.
He was right beside you, even to the last blow.
I loved you friend, but that did not seem to make a difference.
I will miss you so much, but you don't seem to care.
You used to tell me everything, and now
I have questions for you that I will never have answers to.
I am sorry that you felt weaker than you are.
If God is as gracious as I know He is,
I WILL see you again.
I loved you. I really loved you.

Bethany

Bliss!

Its September 11, 2007...and I have had one of the best days that I can remember. No sort of spectacular event happened or anything, but I just can't wipe this smile off my face. I feel lighter. I feel like there is nothing that can get me down.

Don't get me wrong, its not like nothing bad happened....lots of minor disappointments occured...but I seem to be unaffected.
I was on the bus coming home from school, and I started to laugh out loud. Just small giggles, but enough to make the people beside me squint in disgust. I got so excited for life that it felt like I was being tickled. Does that make sense? Its the only way I can describe the feeling.

Today, I feel like I can sing...and not care who hears me. I can't remember ever having a day in the past year where I have felt like that. I miss singing for fun. I miss the freedom in it.

I have been overwhelmed with Love this past week. I used to worry about my worth, and found it difficult to accept blessing in any form. Everything is changing in me. I don't even recognize that pauper in my spirit anymore.

Jessica Verner moved in on Saturday. I truly love her, she has awakened a smothered extravert in me that is happy to be fluffed up again. She has aided in more healing for my heart than she knows. I think she is (whats another word for amazing...that word is SO overused)...like the chorus of a song that you just HAVE to put on repeat for the whole day.

I miss Shosh, I hope she visits soon.

I adore school. It doesn't feel like school. It doesn't feel like work. It is like hanging out with friends who all have the same passions as you ALL day (its like the School of Ministry...with a focus on hair) (sort of...).

I am outy. PEACE LOVE and JOY for your week!

It's gonna be like the school of ministry...because you did it..and i did it...and stuff...

Hello friend.

I am back...but just for a short time. I don't have a computer still...

And the news that follows is quite exciting...so keep your eyes peeled (whatever that means)

Jessica Verner (who has just said I can use her laptop) will be moving in with me tomorrow. Yep. She works with me too. Woo.

We are going to start a revival at Roberta Place (umm...maybe not, that's up to the Jesus).

Okay, I love school. I mean...I truly and deeply adore it. It is everything that I thought it would be AND MORE!

I don't have much time...I just wanted to give you an update. So there it is.

I am gonna go cal Elijah now. I miss him.

for my non-barrie friends...

So, here is an update on my situache here in in Barrie (that is what my mom and/or dad would say):

My move to Barrie was out of pure obedience. It didn't make complete sense to leave Singing Waters in the timing that I did...but I was divinely pushed out the door (so to speak). I moved in with a great family (the Ross'), they are super special. I had a talk with Shosh in the first week (Shosh is the youngest daughter, 18, who still lives at home until next week). I told Shosh that over the next four months I was going to learn some important things about God's character and my character. I basically said that they had a purpose.

I spent the last four months working at Roberta Place (a long term care facility for seniors) as a dietary aide (I serve food and then clean it up). Somehow in the shuffle of working, I changed my mindset. I decided that the four months of work before school were nothing. A waste of time...trying to save money...and failing. I was not paying much attention to the mountain of lessons I was learning every day. The millions of character challenges I was facing multiple times a week. I just kept trucking along (seriously, I can't think of a better word for it).

I told Shosh last week about how shocked I am to be learning so much even in this waste of space. She freaked out at me...She was like 'You told ME when you first got here that all this would happen. You knew you were going to be challenged'. So yeah...I forgot that there is purpose in everything...even nothing.

I start school in less than a week. I don't think I have ever been so excited to start anything in my entire life. I am more excited about hairdressing school than I was for the school of ministry.

Okay, so keeping true to old form...I will go through how I am feeling in every part:

Emotionally:
I am peachy. Two days ago I got super emo, so Shosh, Liz and I watched Pride and Prejudice. It's the perfect remedy...really! I have been super bored, struggled with competition, and experienced some self loathing...but I always seem to come back to my senses almost immediately. I really can see how far I have come. A renewed mind...thanks.

Spiritually:
Jesus has been my most faithful and present friend in the past third of a year. I moved to Barrie not knowing anybody but Him. I feel more aware of Him than ever. I read two amazing books (both for the second time) Dreaming with God and Shifting Shadows of Supernatural Power...oh yeah...AND Supernatural ways of Royalty...sooo good. I started out going to Jerry and Pam Steingards church. They are simply amazing. Really...simply. I love the freedom they bring to church. The only problem is I was CRAVING social interaction, and not getting much. I decided to try out the youth church for a little while. I love it there. I feel right at home there...and every week seems to get a little better. Maybe because ever week we are all a little closer to Gods heart. Nice.

Mentally:
Good.

Physically:
Uhh...I have a cold. I walk a lot. I should be eating more veggies. I wish I swam more this summer. It is my favourite thing in the world...and I think I did it thrice (thanks Renee).

Socially:
Decent. I spent a lot of time with Renee (who is leaving to do the SOM in September). She has been a Godsend for sure. I just started going to the youth church a month and a half ago...but I can see relationships forming and what not. Some of my dearest friends have trekked out here to visit me. I miss my car. Having a car makes such a difference in the quality of a social life...acutally...more the quantity of a social life. Hmm...
I am content with where things are at now. I used to stress out about making sure I had a foundation of Christian friends before I start school...I am not so concerned any more.

I think that is everything. I hope you are all doing well. I miss you guys.

I am good. I am. Really...I AM!

I am a prophetic woman, and God LOVES to keep me humble. Its hard sometimes, but humility is something that i have learned to lust after. Once, after a couple hours of self reflection, I walked up to some girl and asked her this:

"Isn't craving humility actually an act of pride? I want to be humble so I can be first instead of last. I want to serve others more for self gratification. But it is the desire of my heart, and the desires of my heart are good...right?!"

I think that is one of those 'spirit heart and mind' battles. Humility is a true desire...but I thought about it too much. It got mixed with the sin of my head and the pain in my heart. CLEAN ME OUT JESUS!

I don't want to focus on me anymore. I want to be focused on Him completely...all the time. I think I have gotten lost in this whole world of 'inner healing'. That is a valid danger in the church...getting so self-involved, magnifying our issues. So many people are stale mate because they want to 'get rid of all the junk' before they do anything for Jesus.

Isn't that why He used prostitutes, beggars, sick and decaying people, tax collectors and other socially (and especially religiously) unacceptable sinners?! I am pretty sure He was making some sort of point there. Maybe it's just me.

I am not trying to belittle inner healing. It has changed countless lives for sure. I just don't want to let my issues hold me back. That is so selfish. It has the potential to counteract Unconditional Love and Grace. I would much rather be focused on the eyes that are gazing into mine with passion and love...than look down at the dirt and grime on my clothes. That's for darn sure.

I am starting to learn that people only see parts of your heart that you are willing to share (unless they are deeply prophetic). I am open enough to share all the darkest parts of my heart. I don't often share the good parts. The sad thing about that is the dark parts are not real!!! Not at all. So people don't often get to see me!!

Alright...disregard that. I was just being dramatic. I was processing a thought that is probably not ready to be processed.

LOVE LOVE LOVE you all...going now.

A uniquely typical Sunday experience...

What a wonderfully glorious day I am having!

I woke up bright and early (9:00) which happens to be the earliest I have gotten up in the last three weeks. I had breakfast with Shosh (one of our last before she moves away...tear) and took the bus to meet some other churchy people. It was a fantastically fresh time...I felt charged and ready to go.

My dads birthday was last Thursday, so he and my mother came out to Barrie to take me out for lunch. We went to The Mango Tree, which hits the spot every time (if you like Thai food...mmm). We naturally followed that up by going to the Barrie Fair. If you like cows, pigs, and dogs, you'd LOVE the Barrie Fair. I never thought watching dogs jump off some stage into a pool of water would be so entertaining.

I felt bad for the poor cows and pigs. I highly doubt their owners give them praise after a long day of poking and petting from spectators. NEVER watch Babe or Charlotte's Web before going to the Barrie Fair. It will break your heart. I happened to watch both in the last couple weeks...big mistake. I wanted to take them all home with me; then I saw the mother...and I changed my mind. Besides, I think I had pork for lunch...I am no hypocrite!

Now, for the rest of my afternoon I am going to plunk away at the guitar...praise my man...and then wait patiently for a call from a friend to go get crazy for the remainder of the evening. Delightful.

I really am enjoying the day. I just thought you all should know!

Oh yeah...ONE WEEK AND TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!

I am alive!

I am listening to Sufjan right now. Beautiful.

I just came from my room where I was plunking away at my guitar. I decided I am going to get lessons when I am done school. I fear that I have some rotten musical habits from teaching myself. I guess I will find out. My fingers hurt.

Do you ever have those moments where you have an overwhelming revelation of your faults?! I don't get them often, but when they happen...I want to hide myself away for at least a month. I had one yesterday. They are obviously NOT thoughts I came up with on my own...because they are memories I thought I had forgotten (not so sure that made sense). In the past, I would have felt like crap for about five minutes, and then told myself that there is nothing I can do to change what has been...c'est la vie. Not yesterday. Yesterday, I pondered. I tried to tell myself that the people who were a part of those memories have long forgotten them, or that what I did is part of who I am and those people love me in spite of (or because of ) those things. It wasn't a particularly helpful train of thought. The final conclusion I came up with...Grace, Mercy, and Unconditional Love...thanks.

I smiled at work yesterday. I was humming songs, skipping around and taking my time. Usually, I am trying to beat every record I have ever broken to get out of there as fast as possible. Not last night. I stopped to chat to my co-workers. I took my time talking to the residents. I made sure to pay attention to my surroundings. I feel like a common fool for saying before that it was hard to find God at my work. I was obviously not looking very hard.

ACTUALLY...I think it is the whole revelation that I had at Cutting Edge...except it wasn't so...revelatory to me then...

Instead of trying to be a glowy Jesus ball at work...trying my darnedest to represent...I went to work last night abandoned. I was just me. I happen to be full of joy (its best seen when I don't have a cloud of agenda or striving around me, both of which I have had like crazy in Barrie...trying to start a new life here). It was so refreshing to just be ME at work...and not perform. I felt alive...like something jump started my heart...

Cool, eh!?

ma na ma na...do do do do do...

It is hard for me to perform.
I never pull it off the way I intend too.

Maybe that is one of God's graces...He makes it really clear when we are putting on a mask so our true faces have opportunity to shine brighter.

Yesterday, I was thinking how great it would be if we could string ourselves up like puppets and toss God the end...saying 'THIS IS MY WILL...' and for the rest of our lives, we would not have to worry about what we were doing.
The thought only lasted for seconds. I remembered the relationship thing. It is not about the destination, it is about the journey.

I started getting stressed about the fact that I don't have money for rent in September. Funny how quickly we forget how huge God is, when something so small blocks our view. I decided I would focus on all the times in the past that God has come through for me. It's a massive list. But it just wasn't feeling right either.

Now I realize, we (God and I) are in this together. I surrendered myself to Him. I am following His leading. He led me here, and now...BOTH of us... hand in hand...are going to see it through. It's not just me...waiting for something to fall from the sky. It's US waiting in the moment...Him looking into my eyes, asking me to trust Him.

I do. I trust Him, completely. I am focused on now.


Okay. Now some other stuff.

I went to the cottage last week. It was so refreshing. I brought my guitar and thought I would get to write a hit single...but no...it just didn't happen. I mostly talked with my Great Aunt Lou. She is quite the trip. She is kind of losing her memory, so she would sit and tell the same 10 minute story three times in a row...at least once every couple of hours. I really honestly didn't mind it. Her face lit up when she told it. There must be some reason why the same story was stuck in her head. It was about her nieces dog, Sebastian, who always wanted to go for a walk.

Maybe it was triggered by Blossom. Blossom was there for the week. She was so scared the first two nights, being away from home...so she would stay up all night scratching my hand so I would pet her. Quite annoying at 3 in the morning...but my love for my dog overpowers all frustration. I didn't get much sleep.

My dad and brother (Noah) caught three pickerel. They cleaned them up, and fried them for brecky. I don't quite understand fishing. I know men must feel like they have done something rugged...but it's SOOOO boring. And with all the gadgets....
You would think they would feel good about going out with a worm, a stick, and some string...THAT would be amazing...and with a boat that didn't have an electric motor...a canoe for instance.
Ah well, they felt pretty good about themselves. It was pretty cool. And if the way they caught them wasn't enough...the way they KILLED them was. Very manly.

I got to play euchre. I kicked butt. Won every time (but when you are playing with someone who has lost her memory and can't remember what trump is...I guess it is not much of a feat). I LOVVEE euchre.

Okay, I have WAY too much to write about my week...and I just don't have enough energy to do it. I am going to end this now.

A Psalm of Sorts

I am undone by grace
standing in Your strength alone
Your mind is a mystery
Your heart a cave of secrets
invite me in
render a hint of your radiance
that threatens a dark night
I am an instrument of praise
singing of your glory love
like a drum that echos in the wake of war
invading the quivering black
I am Yours

Some more of my heart in words...

I find it difficult to truly share my heart. It probably has to do with the fact that I have been so rushed in the past to 'get straight to the point' that now...that's all I do. Most people misunderstand me because they don't know where I am coming from. It's not their fault. That's why I like to write...I don't feel so rushed.

I am a kingdom woman. I want to remember that all the time!

I just got off the phone with my parents. We were talking about my night. It was interesting...I kind of had a break down. I started crying out in frustration "why am I going through this stuff right now?! This is juvenile christian material...I should have gone through this stuff when I was five." and "I have way too much pride to go through this stuff publicly" (which is exactly what happened tonight at Cutting Edge).

I know my relationship with God is a journey. I love Him more than anything, because everything is NOTHING without Him. I trust Him completely, and even when I don't...he is still faithful...(you have to unpack that to 'get it'). I desire (more than anything in the world) to be a spirit being...I want to be the kind of person who is so immersed in God that people can't tell the difference between us. I can't snap my fingers and be there...but at the same time...I feel like I could be so much closer to that than where I am now. I find it difficult to find joy in my present circumstance...because I am not physically pursuing it with everything in me. He is not holding himself back...so...it must be me trying to take too much luggage. I hate luggage. You would think after all my years, I would just be carrying a small change purse...but NOOooooOOO...I have several dump truck loads....and I am dragging them behind me. The good news is that they ARE behind me...and not PART of me. Nope...I am a spirit woman, pure and clean from all that junk...so why do I keep dragging it around...good question!

I have grace for myself (at least...I think I do). I also know that God is in love with me RIGHT NOW, just as I am. Even with all my drama, sarcasm, and self judgement. I am His. He loves my heart. He loves my passion. He loves my drive to find Him in every place.

I am growing, I am changing...

And, about work...I don't HATE WORK...like I say all the time. I am doing some personal ministry with myself tonight about that. haha. not so funny. The point is...I don't hate work...that is just a label I was giving my frustration (I actually kinda like my job). I am just having a shadowy time right now. Bright things are kinda hard to see...but I am coming out of it...and things are shinier than they were before!

I can't wait to write in a couple weeks and see how far I have come. The future is looking good my friends...and I guess the present is kind of amazing as well.

AND...I love Renee. She is super sweet. And Michael is just a tad prophetic.

A few heart ramblings...

God showed me last night that I have been clinging to a garbage bin screaming out 'THIS IS MY HOME!' in some sort of drugged out rage. He told me that he waits until I am too weak to resist him, before he takes me back to my palace where he cleans me up, puts a crown on my head, and tucks me into bed beside him. He reminds me that my home is with him. I am royalty. And, above all else, he adores me. Home is not home when I am not there. We hear all these stories about a prodigal son or a pauper who learns he is a prince...somehow it just doesn't seem to hit home.

I watched The Notebook again (I really didn't like it the first time, now it is almost tolerable). It actually managed to speak to my heart. Noah's life was devoted to reminding Allie that he loved her. He could have just said it...'I am your husband...and I love you'...But it was the whole idea of her 'coming back' to him...realizing that she was his wife, and that she loved him in return that he was after. God told me last night 'abandon your perspective, stay with me'.

I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the line something was robbed from me. I know that it is missing, because when I see it in somebody else, my spirit cries out. My voice. My voice has been robbed from me...and I think I let it happen. I think I just watched the enemy march off with one of my deepest passions. I want it back. I am going to get it back. My voice is a gift to me from someone that I love very much...I just hope it doesn't come back damaged...sigh...

Work has been hard. I would almost say it has been hell (Hell is any place where there is a lack of God)...I can't find God at work. I search him out all the time. Sometimes I think he is close...sometimes I can hear him making a noise behind the corner...giving me clues of where to look. I have never been in a place where I felt SO out of my comfort zone in regards to my spirituality. It is hard to claim ground for life when there is so much death around. I can't help but be aware of the spirit side of things, even at work. I am sure that more practical people don't understand my dilemma at all. Then again, I don't really care! haha. ohhhhh....

I am so thankful for friendship. I love feeling understood. Any girl likes to feel understood. I have been living in Barrie for three months! The people I live with are only JUST starting to figure out who I am. It's a nice not to feel like such a stranger. At the same time...if it took three months for people that I spend EVERY DAY with to 'get me', how long will it take people I only see once a week. Oh crap. I have quite the feat! I don't know why I figured relationship was so instantaneous before...HA! Oh well, time...time does so much...I shall wait a little longer.

You don't know what the bleep I've been through!

I was thinking today about that statement.
I think they are wrong.

Sure, I HATE it when I am trying to express how upset I am about certain situations and then somebody else butts in with how they feel the EXACT same way. It's annoying. Everybody wants to be an individual. Too bad for them (me).

The fact is that if nobody could identify with the way another person felt movies would have zero market, relationship would be impossible (considering the root word), and people would be completely alone in their circumstance. I don't really want to live like that.

To say that one person has no clue what another person has experienced is not exactly a fair call. When we first meet another person, we spend quite some time searching (even subconsciously) for ways to relate to them.

I took a course in university called 'Learning to Suffer Well'. It was a course that studied why God allows suffering in the world. One of the main points was that everybody experiences incomparable pain. If my dog were to die, and your dog were to die, I might experience overwhelming sorrow...while you have a short cry and move on. Even in that situation...I am sure you would be able to identify with the pain that I was feeling.

haha. WHY AM I BLOGGING ABOUT THIS?!?!?! I am going to stop right now. HAHA. Think about it...what do these thoughts have to do with anything?!?!

Oh yeah...I was just thinking, if anybody ever said the title statement during an argument...how would I respond? I would probably tell them most of what I wrote here...and by then we would probably forget what we were fighting about. GOOD CALL!

Out of bed you daisy head!

8:32 am. Andrea (my boss) called the house. She asked Liz to wake me from my beauty rest.
Liz is pretty comfortable getting me out of bed these days. We talked last month about how surprisingly agreeable I am in the morning. I am NOT a morning person, but I am pleasant...just not coherent. So she passes me the phone.
You know how when you wake up in the morning your voice needs time to evolve into normalcy...well...considering I had been awake for maybe 4 seconds before I was passed the phone...it wasn't pretty.

She asked me if I would leave for work. After a couple minutes (that is how long it took for my brain to grasp that this was not a dream, and I actually had to wake up) I agreed to go to work. Andrea was so desperate, she said she would pick me up! I even managed to give super adequate directions. I was quite proud of myself.
When I hung up the phone, I realized that it was laundry day. My work clothes were at the bottom of the bin. Ohhh dear. At least I didn't have to walk. I gathered my key, my lippy and...uhh...that is pretty much it...and went to work.

I worked for 12 hours today. I am exhausted. Truly pooped. Speaking of poop...

On my walk home, I discovered I had a stalker. One of the most ANNOYING and degrading stalkers of all time.
He followed me for most of the walk.

THEN, I arrived home. There was another stalker IN my house. The stalker = a fly. There is nothing more shaming than having a fly swarm around you. There is not one good thing that can come of it. The truth is, flies are attracted to heat and stink...things like fresh excrement. I AM NOT EXCREMENT! I took a shower (the second one today) but...that didn't help. So...why...WHY is this fly swarming me?!?!!? SOMEBODY MAKE IT STOP!

Ah well, thank-you Jesus for flies. I TOTALLY see how and why they are a necessary part of our economy. Amen.

Jesus, please forgive me for my sarcasm. I didn't mean it. Teach me to love flies.

Dear Jesus. I take that back. Still sorry for the first part...but seriously...what were you thinking?!

Umm. Jesus. I love you. I am sure all of nature was in love with you too. Birds must have perched on your finger, and bunnies sat at your feet like children...eager for your peace and presence. I just can't imagine you appreciating a dozen flies swarming your head. In fact...if that were to happen...I could picture you sending them back to the pit they came from. Hmmm. Amen?

An ode to Hairspray, Gel, Wax and other things that hold your hair in place...

I am going to see hairspray tonight.
I am psyched. I don't know why. I hate musicals...especially NEW musicals (did you SEE Dream Girls, it was rank).
Actually, come to think of it, High School Musical was the shiznit. Hmm...I think I am going to stop writing about musicals. I am excited, that is all I wanted to say.

Last night I went to some small prophetic conference. I have been going to conferences for most of my life, and I can say that the one I went to yesterday was NOT one of my favourites. I really enjoyed the presence of God, that was nice...the peace in the room. When I was younger I used to HATE the message. I was so bored. I would get a group of friends to follow me outside so we could talk for the entire time. I loved worship though. I find as I am getting older, it is the other way around (unless the quality of the worship is outstanding). I CRAVE the message. I was disappointed with last nights teaching because it was more like an hour and a half long testimony. There was not too much in it that I could take home with me, and apply to my 'walk'. I get confused when people teach on humility by sharing all the outstanding things they have done in their lives with God. It 'feels' contradictory. I am just growing and changing, and transforming...and developing...and any other word that suggests I am allowed to express that I am feeling a certain way without ridicule. I just love my Jesus more and more, and I want to hear more and more about Him. What are other people learning about Him? How did they get there? What is His word speaking to them? I want to know these things. I don't want to hear about how you led a bunch of people to Him...that is fantastic...but it doesn't help ME!

Haha...I am so selfish. I just realized how that paragraph up there is supporting two or three different ideas. I think a lot of my writing has that problem. Ah well. I am not a journalist, I am just me...writing my personal thoughts as they come to me. Okay, I think I am done now. I need to shower.

Thanks for reading, and if you have not seen Hairspray yet, I suggest you get off your butt and DO IT!

Granted! I'm Random and Quirky.

When people get bored, normal people, they do normal things. Some read a book, some bake a cake, some go for a walk. I was sitting around, and I decided to take some glitter glue and draw all over my arm. I had a lot of fun. When I finished I had a revelation. Basically, most people wouldn't take a bottle of glitter glue and draw on themselves. Let me tell you, those people are missing out BIG TIME!

Sigh...It was such a mess. And it is going to take forever to get off. At least I am not bored anymore, eh?!

I also did some song writing. I always seem to start off singing something serious, and end up getting frustrated and making a joke out of things. It is easier that way. I am determined to write a hit single before I go to bed tonight. We shall see what happens :P

I was driving around today with Liz and Shosh, and I started to freak out. I had this prophetic realization that my single days are short. Perhaps another year...maybe less...and then I will be in a relationship for the rest of my life. I started convulsing...not really...but I was shaking on the inside. For the first time in my life (since I moved to Barrie) I am actually super happy to be single. I notice the blessing in being single. Its so freeing. I have also seen plain as day that I am NOT ready to be in a relationship. I am WAY too selfish for one. HAHA. Seriously. Maybe it is because this is the first season that I am pursuing a personal dream of mine. I am going to hairdressing school, all of my energy is focused on that. I have no time for men.

HAHA. weird. I am quirky. I am a catch, too. Lucky guy...he's out there somewhere. AHHH. scary. Jesus knows best :S

I wrote a post last year about my HATE for June Bugs. I only saw them twice this year. Actually, they seem to be MUCH smaller in Barrie than in Penetanguishene. Probably because there is less Heroine and Crack (I don't believe that has anything to do with it, really). I still hate them...more than any other bug. EXCEPT. Except the earwig. I am sure if I saw a hissing cockroach in my room under a pile of clothes I would hate them more...but...a lack of experience leads me to the earwig as being most loathed of all the little critters.

Shoot. I just remember centipedes. I hate them most. ewww.

Okay, I just hate bugs. Let's be honest, they are vile.

Talking to Rachel.

Rachel is a spectacular friend of mine (We would say she is my BFUSBCA). We met at Tyndale a couple years ago (wow! has it been that long?!). She and I have this understanding...I can't tell you what the understanding is...cuz you won't get it...that's why WE have the bond...and YOU don't.



Okay, so I talked with her on the phone last week, and we prayed together. It's not often that people pray on the phone together. It was super special. I wondered why people don't do it more often. I pray with my parents all the time. Mostly that involves me calling about a crisis, and my parents pray to calm me down. Rachel just wanted to pray for the fun of it. I liked it. It was a little weird...but really good.



That is reason #40,322 of why I love Rachel.



Reason #6 is because of her hot latino tan. So jeleous right now.

another post about my previous post...

Okay, I feel I need to clear myself up here. I have been getting half a dozen messages about my stance on Pro Choice.

Let me explain very clearly that I do NOT agree with abortion. I do NOT agree with gay marriage. I do NOT agree with the war in Iraq (I don't...but that one is not related at all).

If I were ever asked how I feel, I certainly would not just sit around and tell the person that it doesn't matter how I feel and blah blah blah. Of course I would let them know my personal opinion. I mentioned that I am sick of debate in my post...I was more talking about collective debating...as a country. Being pro choice is supporting the right to have an opinion...and to share that opinion freely.

In the same tone, I would never bring God into a debate like that when talking to a non-christian. If they are not interested in God in the first place, hearing about their sin certainly isn't going to have them run to him in times of trouble. Do you see what I am saying here?! It's okay to share the love of God with a non-christian who is struggling with these questions...but bringing God into the debate as to why it is right or wrong...is not wisdom. I am not saying 'Don't talk about God' I AM saying 'Don't talk about Gods wrath'.

I guess another side of the coin to all this mess (and possibly the only side of the coin I have been talking about) is that these days there are so many different types of Christians. There are so many channels of beliefs and different types of 'evangelism'. For example, IHOP does the red tape that says life. I think that is amazing. It is a silent stand that allows others to think for themselves. There is no mention about anything religious at all. Then they spend time interceding about it. I am okay with that. It's the signs that mention sin and the social isolation that pisses me off.

This is the last post that I am going to put about this issue. Mostly because I am still sorting through some ideas and stuff. I just wanted to mention that I am starting to see some things in the Government that I don't like too much when it comes to Christians. I am trying to find a way to rectify that.

'That's my choice' was meant to be controversial. It was meant to get people thinking. I have been so 'trained' how to think. I don't want to think inside a box anymore. Jesus didn't think that way either. I am still learning...still growing...still changing. Once I have a firmer grip on this idea, I'll post.

I don't want to be a hypocrite...cuz they're not hip with it.

My last post (That's my choice) was a little too harsh on close-minded Christians. I made it so that they couldn't have an argument or an opinion. The fact that the post was about being pro choice makes what I said a little bit hypocritical. Sorry about that.

I still do not appreciate the way some Christians have approached politics, and I still feel the same way about pro choice and such...I should have been a little more open ended when I shared about my personal frustrations with church.

There.

That's my choice!

I have been thinking for the past several months about this whole Pro-Choice movement. It's all over the place in Canada right now. I checked out the Great Canadian Wish List a while ago, and the top two wishes are:

1. End Abortion
2. Pro Choice

I was initially pissed at the second group. I wondered how anyone could join something so evil. It got me thinking. What I am about to say is super controversial...so bare with me...

I am Pro Choice. When you think about it, God is pro choice. Free Will is a gift...and I sure don't want to be the one to take that gift away. Even when it comes to other areas (ie. Gay Marriage)...I have no right to stand against another persons choice (a choice that doesn't effect me in the slightest) and demand that everyone make the same decision I would make. I say that I am pro choice, but I would never choose abortion...in my eyes, it's murder...no matter how a person got knocked up. Same with gay marriage. My heart hurts for people who commit themselves to something so spiritually damaging...but isn't it WAY more spiritually damaging to have a bunch of rioting Christians tell you that you are going to hell. There is no evidence of a loving Father in that.

There are people who are very close to me who have made choices that I don't agree with...but they are no less human...no less deserving of respect...than myself. More importantly, I love those people. Ignoring them, debating with them, preaching at them...it's not helpful.

I understand that a lot of Christians have problems with all this stuff I am saying. I could care less...you are the Christians that have put us on the top 5 most hated groups in North America. Nothing in this world breaks my heart more than watching you twist the character of my Father into something that people hate and/or fear...or pay money to in exchange for healing/salvation. My prayer is that the brick wall you built in your spirit would crumble...and the compassion of our Savior would soften you perspective.

And so, I have decided to follow the example of my Jesus. I will love unconditionally through my words and actions. I will pray for mercy on my nation...especially for those who make decisions that may (unknowingly) hurt them. That's my choice.

Like anyone would want to 'R' her!

Oh Buster, I love you.

I had a crazy dream last night. I am going to have to call Dave and Lise and get them to help me out a bit. It was VERY significant. I woke up to Malcolm pounding on my door because my brother decided to drop by for a visit. Elijah gave me some money (he is rich, besides, what are younger siblings for?!). It was nice of him. It was a lot of money, too. I don't know how I got to be so bad with funds. I have money one day, and I don't have anything the day after. Perhaps even by the afternoon. I just know I must have a problem...it can't be normal to have such sifty fingers.

I have been staying up too late for the past little while. I always feel like I have to stay up to just see the crazy Conan skits before the first comercial. It has become like a tradition of sorts. I CAN'T turn off the tv till it's over. My night time television line up goes as follows:

11:00 - The Hour (George IS my boyfriend)
12:00- Arrested Development (for some reason it is different on tv)
12:35- Conan (for like fifteen minutes)

It's not too late...but when I have to get up for six o'clock to work the next day...it's pretty retarded. Like I said, it is a bahavior I can't control (I didn't actually say that...but it was implied through 'tradition'...?)

Pray for me dear friends.

School starts in September. I am so excited that this is becoming a reality. My dream is coming true. By the way...another old person died yesterday. She died in the morning, and they didn't take her body until the afternoon...in the swelltering heat...ewwww... I didn't know this one. I still miss Frances.

beating around the bush...

BAHAHAHA.

Anyways...I just finished work. It was thrilling, honestly (not honestly). I worked with this woman named Bosa who spoke very broken English. It was a party and a half trying to figure her our. It is fine when people like that are telling you stories that you can ooh and awe about...but she was asking me questions. Usually I ask people like Bosa to repeat themselves...and eventually I get it. Tonight, however, I never got it. After the fourth time (and this happened a number of times during work) of asking her to repeat herself, I responded by saying 'Yes, I think so.'. That was not the answer she was looking for. I could tell by her incredibly disappointed look on her face that SCREAMED 'Natives of the Land' (or whatever the opposite of Foreigner is!).

God Bless Bosa. She was a neat lady.

In sadder news, Frances passed away. She was on the third floor. She used to ask me for a cup of tea every three minutes...I would have to clean up like six full cups of tea from her table after lunch. I was never annoyed, she was too cute. I am going to miss her. She was seriouslly one of my favourites.

Enough. I am going to call Rachel.

The Birth Order Connection

Dr. Kevin Leman is a very talented writer. I imagine if I were to write a book (which I plan on doing one day) it would be similar to his style of writing. He takes on some pretty serious issues, but with a light-hearted tone.

Right now, I am re-reading (yes...again)...The Birth Order Connection. He describes how Birth Orders effect the essense of, well, us. It sounds pretty basic (and it is), which makes the next part quite annoying. He talks about the opposite sex, our future spouse, THE ONE...and how we can 'choose' a good match.

I am a first born only-female, which means I have some last born qualities. My best suit would be a last born male, with older sisters. My problem is this: I don't know anybody who meets that description. I can only think of two last born males in my whole network of friends...

Kev (as I like to call him) also said that the worst possible match in all the world would be for me to marry a first born male...any first born male...it would be (and I quote) a relational hell. Hmmm...Perhaps a little dramatic, Kev, but after reading further, I realized YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT! Sorry to about 90% of my male friends...doesn't look like your gonna make the cut boys.

I got burned today. Really burned. I need to fold my laundry and have a shower. Bye for now.

All dolled up and nowhere to go...

It's Saturday today, and I spent the morning getting all hot (mostly to postpone my intense boredom). I finished getting ready half an hour ago, and now I just don't know what to do with myself. I tried calling my brother to convince him that Barrie was the most happening fun he would experience this week...he didn't fall for it. Sudoku...I won three games, and then realized that if I go to bed tonight knowing that I played with numbers for an entire day...I would wish death upon myself. I stopped playing shortly after that revelation. Now...now my friends, I am blogging. I can't wait till school starts, I hate this mozzying around.

My dad told me to work at Tim Hortons to help pass the time. He told me I should march right in, and tell them this:

"Listen...I have the donut, okay?! I am just looking for some tim bits to fill in the gaps. I need some glaze on this boston cream. I was told Mr. Horton could help me out...my dad and him have been friends for years."

My dad is a nerd. I told him that just after his rant.

I love Barrie. My one and only disappointment is the lack of people my age to hang out with. I have met a couple fun individuals, but they are 3-4 years younger than me. I wish I could have taken my social life with me. Pack it up in a suitcase, and take it out when I please. It just isn't going to happen. I have to start from square one. Sigh...ah well. C'est La Vie.

It's ooozing.

Me being creative is the best form of worship I can think of. I used to get envious of other peoples abilities, but I decided that was not only foolish, but it was a slap in the face to God. Creativity is a gift, a reflection of grace. It would be really rude of me to put it on the shelf because I don't feel like I am the best one at it. Of course I am not the best...He is. Jeez.

I started my creativity day (it's a new thing...once biweekly) by making muffins. I didn't follow a recipe. They are banana blueberry oatmeal muffins (you gotta work with what you got). I was going to use chocolate milk instead of regular milk...but my spirit felt like it was going to throw up at the thought of it, so I didn't. The muffins are fantastic.

After the muffins, I decided to write. I read over some stuff I wrote a while ago (goodness gracious, I am good with words) and I put on some Sufjan for inspiration. I ended up writing a letter and a prophetic word. Fun times. I am going to pick up my old dusty guitar and write some songs this afternoon. Quite excited about it. I haven't picked up a guitar since the school of ministy...well...I tried a couple times...but then all the memories of people who are WAY better than me came to haunt me...so I dropped it. It may sound stupid to most people, but that is the way I worked. If I can't be the best, I am not even going to try. It WAS my motto.

Sigh...How times have changed.

Okay, so here is what is going on in my life as of recently. I work as a Dietary Aide. I am probably going to quit, because the hours SUCK. I am thinking of working at Food Basics for a while. The truth is, no matter what I do, I am only going to be working for two more months. Then I get to do what I came here to do. Hairdressing school is going to rock. I will have a chance to be creative every day. I am pumped.

I just got my hair done. It cost me SOOOO much money, and it was not really worth it. BUT, I am happy non-the-less. I will put pictures of it on facebook. I love the purple. It's fun for the summer.

Okay friend (Annie, I do believe you are the ONLY one who reads this...), It's time for me to work on some tunes.

Huge Bear Hug!

TIRED of sleeping in.

It was about half past midnight and I was absolutely engaged in reading some letters I have written for the past couple years. They made me laugh so hard I cried. I really did. I am so glad I wrote them.

I have been waking up at 11:00 for the past three weeks. I don't think that it is a good thing. I would feel worse if I spent half my day on facebook, or something ridiculous (oh wait!!). Oh well, at least I work today (for like three hours). I am so glad that I get to walk to work. If it were not for the walking, I would feel like such a bum. Or like more of a bum.

Anyway, immediately after writing this, I am going to have a shower, get dressed, eat some lunch, and do something. I don't know what I am going to do exactly, but it is going to be something. Something fun.

On the weekend, I am buying more clothes...smaller ones;) and getting a hot hair cut and colour. On Monday I am going to apply for some other jobs. Not that being a dietary aide isn't fun...it isn't...but I want to work in a Salon...as a receptionist. I am going to do it people. Just you wait.

Feist IS Sufjan

Conan was on last night. Noah and I watched it together. It was a pretty normal episode...until Feist came on. It was pretty amazing. Noah said something that made me laugh. Here is the script:

Bethany: I love Feist!
Noah: Oh my gosh, it's Sufjan.
Bethany: No it's not!
Noah: They are the exact same!
Bethany: NO! There is definitely a difference.
Noah: Yeah, he's not there.

I guess you had to be there, but it was seriously hilar. He was right too. I don't know what happened, but her band consisted of the following:

Her and her acoustic
A choir that sang oo's in the background
A banjo
Bells
Trombones
Trumpets

It was very very Sufjan. Even the song was a little Sufjanesque. So, yeah. I just can't figure out who is copying who. I am pretty sure Sufjan wins this battle. But it was a pretty fun song. I liked it.

Beat for the yolk, yo!

I ran out of money today. Totally ran out.
That is a lie; I think I have 0.34$ in my bank account.
I won't have funds until friday.

Today I danced with Jamie. What a wonderful dancer. I love him. Jamie + Jump 5 = one unforgetable afternoon.

I also sat outside in attempt to darken the bright paste that is my skin. It didn't work. I got so bored. I brought a book, "A Voice in the Wind"...I read 5 pages and thought I was going to die of absolutely nothing. I stopped reading, and went back to my room. I am thinking of doing a pedicure/manicure/face mask in a minute.

If I had money right now, I would take a bus to the water front and bring a sketch pad...I probably wouldn't draw anything, cuz I would get carried away by inspired thoughts about creation and life in general. Sigh...I would love to get a pita at Pharohs Pita...a chicken caesar one...they are SO delish. I can't though...and it hurts my heart, and pops my delectable dream.

If I had more than 10 bucks, like, let's say...60...I would walk to walmart and buy randoms. Then I would walk to the theatre and see Oceans 13 AND Pirates...then I would take the bus home. It would be nice. It's not going to happen, no matter how high I reach.

I guess a pamper day would be nice. I'll have a bath, listen to some melodic tunes, watch a movie and paint my nails. Yawn. I am falling asleep at the thought of that. I have so much energy and nothing to do with it. I wish I had money.

The end.

shhhh...

I walked to work today. I walk to work every day, but for some reason today was different. I smiled to whole way to work. When I started at Roberta Place (a long term care facility for seniors) it took me 45 minutes to walk there. I have always been an active person (I like to do stuff), but I have never been a routinly physically active individual. Last week, I would wake up in the morning and dread the day (mostly because of the exausting 1.5 hours of walking). Now its different. The endorphines are really kicking in. It only takes me 30 minutes to walk there now (don't ask, cuz I sure don't know). I find myself walking to places even on my days off. Yesterday, I walked to walmart...it took me an hour. It was worth it. Wether I like it or not, I am going to be a walkaholic for at least a year. Even the bus stop is a 20 minute walk. I am so glad that I was forced into this routine. I feel the benefits. I am sure you will all see them in the next coming months ;)

Now, something else I was thinking about. I don't know when I became such an 'inside' thinker. I don't think I said more than three sentances at work today. I know with my closer friends I tend to talk a lot. Actually, come to think of it, I am sure even what I share with them has decreased over the years. I don't know why I became so private. I don't think it is maturity, cuz I still have thoughts...and let me tell you...they are far from it. I would tell most people anything if they asked (hmm...is that true? *deep thought* For the most part, I guess). So why is it that I keep quiet?

When I was at Singing Waters, a couple people confronted me on this. They called me a private person. Its interesting. Maybe it is a good thing. I don't know. Sometimes it doesn't feel so good. Like tonight at work, it didn't feel right. I felt like I should be saying stuff. I have opportunities every day to spread joy...I don't. How do you just open up without being obnoxious? Maybe it is evidence of some issues I have had with being shut down or something. I don't know.

Like I said, it is just me processing. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if it is good or bad. I am just going with the flow.

I am registering for school in september this week. I am so pumped. Thanks for all your support in this. I am going to be a fantastic hairdresser...among other things...this is just a start:)

Oh Jay, you're cool.

Jay Leno is popular because at this time in the evening, people are not really paying attention to the quality of the programs they are watching. Like now. I am watching Jay Leno; I am even laughing at him. Out loud. I don't even know the name of the guest he is interviewing. It's just noise. Noise that I am laughing at.

I can't wait for Conan to come on. The truth is, I have been watching it for the last two weeks, and I realized...he really isn't that interesting a bunch of times in a row. He just does the same thing every show. He walks out, does up his jacket, says 'Yeaaah', jumps and points awkwardly at the crowd, says hi to Max, and tells 'true stories' from the news.

I don't really know what I am saying...my brain is a little dead (hence watching Jay Leno).

Bye

Sigh...

Following your dreams can be so complicated.
End of story.

Amazing Grace

I used to think I was overly sensitive. What people said affected me. When I watched those infomercials with the caged Panda Bears and people asking desperately for money, I would lean in, listening carefully to their plea. When I got older, I realized that people were not always being practical about their 'urgent needs'. I am not sure practical is the right word for it. They are biased to a cause; and their cause was never really meant to be my cause as well.

Last year, I spent a lot of time in self-discovery (as I will do for the remainder of my 20's or so I have been told). I discovered that I was not as compassionate I once thought I was. I am actually quite rude. I was raised by two VERY practical adults who have prioritized reality over feeling. I have gone WAY over the edge of both sides...and I am happy to say...I believe I have found a healthy balance when it comes to me and my life.

Other people, however, I find myself in constant inner conflict. They come to me to talk about what is going on in their lives, and (at first) I am overcome with frustration and annoyance. I just want them to see that their choices are screwed up, change their reactions, and GET BETTER...

I realized that is the most IMPRACTICAL practical advice you could ever give. It all comes down to grace.

Grace...I need it. I need lots of it. Sometimes I realize the I have it. It seems to sneak its way in, even after I feel I lost it. People disappoint me all the time. They hurt me, they lie to me, they don't love me the way I want to be loved...yet...after all my anger, and initial pain...I choose love. That is a tiny piece of grace, but it is enough to change my life and the people who are part of it.

about coffee...

I just drank a coffee. I don't like coffee, so I can't tell if it was a good one. Some people have really strong opinions about how their coffee should taste. I don't understand them...it's all the same bean. I mean, a couple weeks ago I drank a coffee and thought it was totally gross (because I don't like coffee). Other times, coffee is a little easier to down. The coffee I just drank has left a taste on my tongue similar to the flavour of licking the chunks from the inside of a carton of milk that expired weeks ago. I need a piece of gum...I also need to brush my teeth to avoid the stain that coffee tends to leave. I don't understand what the draw to coffee is in the first place. I don't feel more alert...I just feel...like I need something minty. There is simply no payoff.

So why do I drink coffee if I dislike it so? Well, that's easy...I am a coffee drinking poser. Think of all the small talk that I would miss out on..."I need a coffee", "Man, this is one good cup of coffee", "This coffee is total shit", and my personal favourite, "I'll have a double double". Sigh...coffee.

Alright, for all you 'coffee-poser' haters, save your scorn for the devil. I know you all like it. I don't need you to write comments about how stupid my taste-buds must be for not recognizing how much better Tim Hortons coffee is than...(brain fart: Where else do peope get coffee that doesn't taste as good as Tim Hortons??) (PLEASE...don't answer that question).

I don't like coffee. I don't understand coffee. But I can't beat coffee. So...I shall try my darndest to join it?!

I need a coffee!

Am I blind, or is it just dark outside?

I have been thinking a lot about my last post. I wrote that when I was standing on a large hill, everything looked really clear. It's funny how that happens. You get to a point on your journey where everything makes sense; where you feel like everything you have been through up to that point was worth it, because it led you there. You can see so much beauty that lies ahead. Standing on a mountain makes those dark valleys look so small. The thick of mangled trees that will eventually threaten your view of the sunset seem to blend in with the horizon. It's funny how that happens, isn't it? How the dark makes light so awe-inspiring.

I think the mountains we come across are the purest form of God's grace. We struggle for so long, and finally we get to a point where he shows us what it is we are walking towards. He brings us just high enough to see His view of our lives. Then slowly, we make our way back down towards the forest. I kind of like it there. It's scary, yes, but each time I face a new predator (each one bigger than the last), and I discover that I am capable of beating it to a pulp. Were there trophies for all my victories, my living room would look like some sort of creepy hunter's lodge. Don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of scars as well.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the forest is the reality I am facing now. It was amazing to be on the mountain, and have a glimpse of what I am walking towards, but I can't see that picture so clearly anymore. I do have faith that when I get through the forest (holding a slightly larger trophy than before), I am going to walk up another mountain, look back, and see the beauty I have walked through. I will know in that moment that I am exactly where I was led to be.

When God says GO...

Things have been changing quite rapidly here at Singing Waters. Time flies quicker than a goose on acid. I have been here for 10 months, and it feels like 3. As some of you know, I have had issues in the past with focusing on my future, and forgetting about the present. At Singing Waters I have learned to be grateful for the season I am in right now. I have changed my mindset so much, in fact, that God has been like a child tapping me on the shoulder to get my attention. I had my fingers in my ears, and began to hum a ridiculous song in my head to drown Him out. I am afraid to admit that however how hard I try, His constant nagging has persuaded me to begin thinking about my next step.

I had thought since I first started at Singing Waters, that my next step would involve ministry. I know that God has called me to great things (what those are exactly, I am not sure...His voice seems to get all crackly when it comes to that part), I have been working my way up the ladder for quite some time. Sometime I turn back to see how far I have come (I MUST be at least half way up by now) and I notice that I have barely lifted my right foot off the ground. It's okay though, the ladder has been climbed by many, and a lot of them have had a hard fall when they get to the top. I don't want a fast trip up, I want to understand the ladder inside and out...I want to know it's weaknesses and avoid them.

Anyway, the point is that God is gracious. Simple, right?! Sort of. God's grace is pushing me on to the next step. My mindset is begging God to tell me where to go. Then something clicked. A couple months ago I was reading a book called 'Dreaming with God' written by Bill Johnson. It was really good, but I was reading it at the wrong time. When I was soaking one night, God reminded me of the book. A lot of it is about stepping out of this idea that we are slaves to God's will, rather, we are friends of God. He wants to dialogue with us about our future. I realized that I was living out of a slave mentality. I told God 'You must increase, I must decrease', in doing so...I killed every part of my future hopes in order to please Him (who never asked that of me in the first place). The book mentions Mary and Martha. It says that Martha was busy making sandwiches that Jesus never ordered. Mary was in a place with Jesus where she knew exactly what is was that He wanted, and she got it for Him in a second. Her relationship was out of Love, not service. Niiice.

Why am I talking about all this...? I am not exactly sure. All I wanted to do was tell you that I am finally ready to leave. Not because God demands it, but because in His grace, He showed me that I have hopes in a burial ground. He asked if He could raise them for me. I said yes. In July, I will be leaving Singing Waters. I am going to attend the School of Prophets in Stratford, and in September I will go to beauty school. Doesn't sound like a huge deal to most people, but for me...I feel like I was sitting in a musty dark room, and someone has opened the door to a spring wonderland...I can remember what it is like to breath.

Easter is Over!

How did I miss it?! We had four days off at Singing Waters to enjoy Easter. I spent the first two and a half days in complete solitude (very boring) and the last day and half at home. I did not do anything eventful. I think I watched a few too many movies, yes...I definitely did. Anyone who can honestly admit to seeing 8 movies in less than two days needs some serious personal reconstruction. My brain feels like a zip-lock bag full of apple sauce that has just been salvaged from the kitchen floor after falling off of the top shelf of the refrigerator. Its sad, its true.

This Easter was really weird. Every Easter my church has a youth conference called Fresh Wind. It was the first one in 10 years that I have not attended. Its kind of a bitter sweet feeling. It seems I have been walking away from my past in steps. I never really thought about it that way before. I have always been so preoccupied with looking to the future, and trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. I wasn't focused at all on the fact that my hands were holding firmly on to something impossible for me to take with me. Hmm...perhaps I should process a little more before I say much else.

I had another problem with this Easter. If it were not for the fact that I made myself watch The Passion of Christ, I would have done nothing Jesus focused at all this weekend. What has this holiday become? I ate the chocolate, that's for sure. I got together with family. I hardly think a prayer before we eat dinner is sufficiant thanks on the anniversary of a death for my sin. It just seems so...off balance.

Its getting late. I must go to bed. Will write later.

Second Chance

It's way too late to be doing this. Ah well, what difference does it make?!

I made this blog for two reasons.
1. Annie asked me to start writing again.
2. They deleted my old account.

Both are justifiable reasons in my most humble of opinions. I left for myspace two years ago. My writing was put on the shelf, and all the html editing, and profile shiznit took the drivers seat.

Wow. It has only been a couple of minutes, and I have already lost where I was going. The fact is, I am glad to be back. I am not sure how often I will be writing. I hope I keep it up.

For any strangers reading this, welcome! I don't expect you will stay long. I have a strong tendency to babble about nonesense. Kind of like right now actually.

Okay, I am going to stop. This is getting painful.